


The Bachelor(ette)

by Phantoms_Echo



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: All the dating shenanigans, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - The Bachelor Fusion, Author tried, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Comedy, Complete, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dancing, Drama, Ed makes for a very Feisty Bachelorette, Ed's Potty Mouth, Go-karts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Martial Arts, Mild Language, No girls here though, One Shot, Pick-Up Lines, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Really the Bachelorette, Roy enjoys this a little too much, Speed Dating, The Author Regrets Nothing, all the homo, attempted drowning, escape room, movies - Freeform, no one does but still, really hard, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22795207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantoms_Echo/pseuds/Phantoms_Echo
Summary: "Hey, Ed!" Winry called from where she was sprawled on his couch.  "Remember that night we went drinking? And I bet you that you couldn't pull off drag?"Ed popped his head out from the bathroom door, mouth full of foam and toothbrush shoved between his teeth. "About as well as I do anytime you challenging me to a drinking contest. Why?""Well, I kind of... maybe sent that picture in to The Bachelorette?" Winry leaned her head back until she was looking at Ed upside-down from the couch arm. "Along with an application."Ed blinked sleepy eyes at her before turning to splash water on his face in hopes of possibly cleaning off sleep gunk and waking himself up a little."And they may have accepted your application and want you to possibly star on the next season," Winry continued, waiting for an explosion of some sort.Ed gave her an unimpressed look from where his face was buried in a towel. "So tell them it was a prank and I'm a guy.""Yeah~… you see..." Winry righted to herself to read her email. "I did that... but apparently they don't really care.""Wait, what?" Al finally looked up from his book. He was followed quickly by a cry of— "Wait, what the hell?!"
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Comments: 16
Kudos: 578





	The Bachelor(ette)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist or its characters, only the idea for this fic.
> 
> PS - Hey guys! Been a while, hasn't it? That's partly been because of other projects distracting me, partly because THIS ONE SHOT DID NOT WANT TO END! Seriously!
> 
> I started this thing back in 2016. That's 4 years ago! At the time, I thought it would only be 5k long. Then it hit 10k words and I thought 'Okay, it's got to be over soon, right?'
> 
> Everyone sees the Word Count, right? 33k+. I was off by a factor of 6 from my original estimate. I wrote about 20k in the last few weeks as I was trying to finish this up. I'm sure you guys will be able to tell where my original writing ends and the new stuff begins (I'll give you a hint, it's where the story goes from Crack to Serious).
> 
> Anyway, after 4 years in the making, I finally bring you: FMA Bachelorette AU!

"Hey, Ed!" Winry called from where she was sprawled on his couch. Al had his nose in his book on the other end, feet tangled in hers and subtly keeping her laptop from falling off her knees. "Remember that night we went drinking? And I bet you that you couldn't pull off drag?"

Ed popped his head out from the bathroom door, mouth full of foam and toothbrush shoved between his teeth. His long blonde hair was in a rat's nest and his eyes were only partially open, having just gotten out of bed. He scratched at his stomach and took a moment to spit in the sink before answering, "About as well as I do anytime you challenging me to a drinking contest. Why?"

"Well, I kind of... maybe sent that picture in to The Bachelorette?" Winry twiddled her thumbs and leaned her head back until she was looking at Ed upside-down from the couch arm. "Along with an application."

Ed blinked sleepy eyes at her before turning to splash water on his face in hopes of possibly cleaning off sleep gunk and waking himself up a little.

"And they _may_ have accepted your application and want you to possibly star on the next season," Winry continued, waiting for an explosion of some sort.

Ed gave her an unimpressed look from where his face was buried in a towel. "So tell them it was a prank and I'm a guy."

"Yeah~… you see..." Winry righted to herself to read her email. "I did that... but apparently they don't really care."

"Wait, what?" Al finally looked up from his book. He was followed quickly by a cry of " _Wait, what the hell?!_ "

The apartment below them pounded on their floor.

"What do you mean _they don't care_!?" Ed hissed as he threw the towel in the general direction of the rack. "They are _The_ _Bachelorette_! It _has_ to be a girl! Unless they're planning to use me on the Bachelor, but there is no way I'm going to be stuck in a house with 12 women! Being stuck with you is enough torture."

"Hey! I resent that!" Winry dropped her head back again and pointed at him viciously. "I am a perfectly normal housemate and do not do anything torture-like that would deserve a comment like that."

The two had a stare off before Ed looked over at his brother. "Al?"

The quiet blonde tried desperately to hide behind his book, but the combined look from Ed and Winry was so intense that it was a lost cause. Peering over the top of the cover, Al stated, very amiably. "As I am your brother and Winry's boyfriend, I reserve the right to remain silent in all conflicts between the two of you as stated in clause five of the housemate agreement."

Ed and Winry both pouted.

"I knew we shouldn't have let him have that clause!" Ed grumbled as he turned to finish getting dressed. 

"How else are we supposed to have a tie-breaker!?" Winry threw her arms and head back, fingers nearly touching the floor. "Flip a coin?"

"It'll have about the same reliability as Al."

"Hey! I resent _that_."

"Denied," Ed and Winry said in synchronism. Al wrinkled his nose at their comment.

"Are you sure you two aren't the actual ones dating?" He gave them a dubious look.

"With _her_?!" Ed wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"With _him_?!" Winry stuck her tongue out, like the thought sickened her.

"You two are so alike," Al rolled his eyes and hid behind his book again.

"So the interview for the final round of applications is upstate next weekend," Winry read off the email.

"So I just have to blow the interview and I'll be good, right?" Ed drawled as he yanked a brush through his long hair. His hair tangled so easily that it really wasn't worth the effort. 

"Aw, at least _try_ to do the interview?" Winry looked at him pleadingly.

"Winry, I have two limbs made of metal," the irate blonde stated as he deftly braided his hair.

"Yeah, and?"

" _And_ not everyone is a metallophiliac like you." Ed rolled his eyes as he tied off the braid.

"And people like that are not worthy of you," Winry deadpanned, startling a laugh out of Ed.

"By that response, you would be the _only_ person worthy of me," Ed stated, shooting her a flirtatious look. "Maybe Al's right, maybe _we_ should be the ones dating."

Winry and Ed stared at each other for a split second before they both made a disgusted face.

Behind his book, Al sighed. "I am surrounded by children."

* * * * *

Ed had been sitting in the lobby for fifteen minutes now, regretting his life choices. He never should have made that bet with Winry and he never should have left her to her own devices. He should have _made_ _sure_ she deleted the pictures so that something like this would never happen.

He should have _at least_ brought a tablet so he could get some work done while he waited.

The girls in the lobby with him whispered between themselves and looked over at him once every so often. By the look in their eyes, he knew they were thinking he was one of the show's bachelors, coming here to apply. In all honesty, that would be preferred, because he'd get voted out as soon as the girl saw his automail, but unfortunately, that is not the application Winry sent in.

"Elric?" A voice finally called from down the hall.

Ed let out a relieved sigh and got to his feet, ignoring the shy waves from the women watching him go. The person who had called for him was standing to the side, holding the door open as he read through the application. After waiting a few minutes, Ed cleared his throat and gave the guy a dubious look.

"Oh, pardon me," the guy said, looking up —only to pause, blink, look down and flip to the first page of the application, and look back up. "Edward Elric?"

"Yup," Ed said, leaning against the wall a few inches from the door. The interviewer pushed his glasses up and smiled _way_ too brightly.

"That's not a foreign girl's name, is it?"

"Nope."

The man nodded and gestured him in. "Can you excuse me for a minute? I need to make a call."

"Yup." Ed waved and went into the room.

He didn't know if he should make himself comfortable or not. Obviously, the man hadn't known whatever deal the network was working —if there even was a deal. Ed would probably be kicked out soon, so he decided to stand instead of taking up the chair. No use in easing himself down, just to ease himself back up.

It took a few minutes, but the man came back, dropping Ed's application onto the table and taking a seat across from the free one. "Edward Elric, please take a seat. My name is Maes Hughes and I will be interviewing you today."

Frowning, Ed sat down cautiously. That... was not the response he had been expecting.

The man took a moment to turn on a small recording camera to his right. Ed eyed it dubiously.

"You know," the interviewer began. "We get a few applications from guys every year for this show. We've never accepted any before, but... well, the network has a few ideas."

"Can I stop you there?" Ed held up a hand. "My friend put in that application as a prank. I will not be sad at all if you reject me because I am not female."

Maes blinked at him, mouth opening and closing before he cleared his throat. "Actually... that's not where I was going."

Ed raised an eyebrow at him.

"The Network has decided, with all of the LGBT movements in the news, that this would be good for viewer ratings," the brunette explained. "The Bachelor and Bachelorette have only ever been about finding love. Who is the network to say who can and can't be on the show?"

"Um... aren't they the ones that _hire_ people and _pay_ to have this produced?" Ed wrinkled his nose in confusion.

"Yes, exactly." the man said with a bright grin, even though that explained absolutely _nothing_ to Ed. "So the network has decided to change it up this season with an all-male cast."

"Uh..." Ed really wanted to point out that would mean he wouldn't be the only 'Bachelorette' on stage, but the guy was on a roll.

"So, keeping that in mind, let's begin this interview," Maes declared, shuffling through his papers. "So, I am assuming you are gay or, at the least, bisexual, correct?"

"Yes?" The blonde had no idea what was going on anymore.

"What are your favorite things to do in your free time?"

"Compute new theoretical physics formulas and practice martial arts with my Teacher."

"Ah, martial arts, very interesting," the man said, completely skimming over Ed's first love of science. "What belt would you say you are at?"

"2 Dan," Ed answered. At the blank look from the interviewer, Ed rolled his eyes. "Double black belt."

"Wow, that is impressive," Maes stated with wide eyes, his glasses sliding down the barest of an inch. "And you are self-taught?"

"No, Teacher taught me and my brother for several years." Ed rolled his shoulders. "It started out as a way to burn off energy from two hyper kids, but... after the accident, it also became a sort of physical therapy for me."

"Accident?" the man questioned politely as he took down notes.

"Car accident when I was eleven," Ed stated sadly. "Killed my mom, injured me, and put Al —my brother —in a coma for two years."

"And your father?"

Ed scoffed. "That bastard hasn't shown his face since I was out of diapers."

"I'm… sorry to hear that." Maes winced and tried a different question. "How injured were you? You mentioned physical therapy?"

"I lost both my right arm and left leg in that crash and the infection that followed," Ed stated calmly. He smirked when the guy looked up, as if he had missed Ed's limbs like he'd missed the blonde's name and gender.

"It's automail," Edward said, tapping on his right shoulder and receiving a metallic _thunk_ in return. "My best friend's family is known for their advancements in automail. They helped me out back then and she plans to follow in their footsteps. She's working on her Master's right now."

The man appeared subsequently impressed. "And you?"

"Me what?" Ed shot him a look.

"What are you majoring in?"

" _Majored_ in," Ed corrected. "I have three PhDs in Science —Chemistry, Physics, and Biology. I also have a Bachelor's degree in Mathematics that I somehow picked up with all of the math classes I took for credit fillers."

Maes stared at Ed incredulously.

"What?" Ed shrugged. "I said I liked to calculate theoretical formulas in my free time."

"I thought you were joking." 

"Nope."

"You aren't going to make this easy, are you?"

"Nope." Ed grinned. "Should I mention the scars that came with the automail surgeries? I'm sure bachelors would _love_ to know about that."

"Please don't." The man hung his head, trying to gather his wits. There was a brief lull in conversation before the man raised his head, eyes sharp. "Actually, please do."

Ed blinked and frowned, "What?"

"Would you say that your automail makes it difficult for you to find lovers?" Maes' eyes were sharp as he as the question, prodding at the 'Bachelorette's' only seen weakness.

Ed opened his mouth, but no words came out. He was shocked speechless that the interviewer would ask such a... cruel question. The blonde swallowed and bit the inside of his cheek. His gaze dropped downwards.

"Edward, please answer the question."

"I..." Ed inhaled deeply, strengthening his resolve. "I don't know."

"I'm afraid that's not a good answer."

" _I don't know_ , okay?" Ed answered hotly. "I haven't... I haven't tried to... you know... find anyone."

"At all?"

Ed shook his head. "I have to look at the scars every day, knowing that my life was saved because of the doctors' quick thinking, and then my friend's family's compassion. The _last_ thing I want to do is look at them with disgust because _some guy_ didn't like to look at them during sex."

Ed raised his eyes, glaring at the interviewer. "My automail does not run my life, but it _damn well_ is a part of me!"

The look on Maes' face unsettled the blonde so much that he stood up. "I'm done with this. No more questions."

"I think we have everything we need," the interviewer said, standing and offering his hand for Ed to shake. The blonde eyed it warily until he retracted his limb. "It was nice to meet you, Edward. We'll be in touch."

Nodding his head curtly, Ed pushed his way out the door, keeping his teeth gritted against the anger that threatened to boil over. He completely ignored the girls in the lobby as he stomped down the stairs and out the front door.

That man had _no right_ to ask questions like that! This was an interview for a _dating_ show —not some psych-eval!

Ed angrily shoved his helmet on and straddled his bike, needing to feel the adrenaline of the streets and burn off some rage in the speed before he could finally settle down and lock this memory away.

After all, there was _no way_ he was going to be chosen as the star.

* * * * *

"You were chosen as the star," Winry said, handing a phone to Ed.

"You're _shitting me_." Ed stared at her incredulously. She waved the phone at him, prompting him to take it before she smacked him upside the head with it. "Hello?"

" _Edward Elric?_ "

"Yes?"

" _We are happy to have you be on our show this coming season!_ " an irritatingly happy voice said from the other end of the line. " _Filming will begin in two weeks! A contract will be arriving in a few days. Please read it over and sign before the limo comes to pick you up. Also, be sure to make arrangements with your place of work for the duration of the show."_

Ed sat on his couch staring at the wall, mouth agape.

" _Hello?_ "

"Y-Yeah..." Ed finally got his mouth working, "I... I got it."

" _Good. See you in one week, Mr. Elric!_ "

The person hung up and Ed lowered the phone to stare at it in disbelief. " _Shit!"_

* * * * *

"The show lasts seven weeks," Ed stated as he shouldered his duffle bag. "Winry, do not have sex on my bed. I _will_ know, no matter how many times you wash the sheets."

Winry made an offended noise. "As if I would! The nerve of some people!"

Ed gave her a dubious look, making her cross her arms. Glancing at his brother, he pleaded. "Al?"

"No promises," Al deadpanned before smiling as his brother sputtered in disbelief. "Have fun, Brother. Even if you don't meet a guy you like, at least you can make friends."

"Like I don't have enough already!"

" _Friends_ , Ed, not _minions_ "

"My students would be very upset to hear you say that. Speaking of..." The blonde pointed a finger at his friend. "You're sending me their work, right? I don't want to fall behind on grading."

"Yes, you work-aholic, and I’ll make sure the TAs follow your lesson plan, now _go_!" Winry shooed him. "The limo has been sitting out front gathering attention for the past ten minutes!"

Ed grumbled but went, the elevator taking no time at all to reach the ground floor. Within minutes, Ed was ensconced in the million-dollar ride, staring out the window as his apartment building slowly disappeared from view.

Sitting back against the seat, Ed hoped against hope that this wouldn't end in disaster for him.

Then he found the mini-bar and fully stocked fridge. He figured things weren’t so bad. 

* * * * *

"Mr. Elric, we have arrived," the chaffeur stated from the front seat. 

Ed's head jerked up, nearly making him spill a beer down his front. Thankfully, he avoided that mishap and managed to down the rest of his bottle before the door opened. He winced against the bright sunlight, but still heaved himself from the limo. 

He was a little tipsy from the alcohol they had provided, but it was nowhere _near_ as bad as when he and Winry got into it. He could still walk straight, no problem.

"Brilliant!" a voice shouted. "Beautiful entrance in one shot!"

Ed blinked and looked around, suddenly noticing the camera crew. He grimaced, thinking, _Please don't tell me they have to follow me everywhere._

"Mr. Elric." A man offered his hand. He had the typical director style hat and a rolled up stack of papers that Ed knew was the loose (very loose) outline of how this 'episode' was supposed to go.

Hey, wait a minute, didn’t that guy look familiar…?

"Glad to see you again!” The man took his hat off to do a little bow. “Director Hughes, at your service."

“Oh right, the fucker that got me into this mess," the blonde said, shaking the man's hand. “Good to see you again.”

"I believe the ‘fucker’ that got you into this mess, was you.” Hughes grinned broadly as he placed his hat back on his head. It looked disturbingly like when Teacher was happy about something that would cause Ed pain. “Anyway, Ed, we're going to be starting you with a quick tour of the mansion and grounds. All of the eligible bachelors are already inside the main hall waiting for you, but we'll get to them later. First, we want some shots of you walking the grounds and your thoughts on where you will be staying for the next two months."

Ed had to sit and think for a second. "Do you want my _actual_ thoughts?"

"Of course!" Hughes looked offended at the thought. "Why wouldn't we?"

"Because _my thought_ is that this would be a great place to test out some RF equipment," Ed deadpanned. "We are miles away from any radio signals that I could get some pretty nice spectrums for the current research I've got going on. That is, assuming we turn off the Wi-fi."

Hughes stared at him (or Ed assumed he did. The man's eyes were closed) for a good, long while before scratching at his chin. "Eh, it is what you really think of the place and it gives us insight to how your mind works. Is that how you would explain it to your friend back home?"

"Yes." Ed nodded. "Winry would want to construct a temporary shelter, obviously, but she's always looking for new places to test out her automail collection. Field tests like this are an advantage on the market."

"Ah... and your brother."

Ed looked directly into the camera. "Al, there are no cats here and there should not be any in our apartment when I get back —no matter _what_ Winry said."

Hughes scratched at his chin again. "You are a very interesting Bachelorette, Edward Elric."

Ed's shoulder sagged. "Please tell me that is _not_ my title for the next seven weeks!"

"No, no." Hughes waved his hand as if to dismiss the idea. "Just until the network figures out the new marketing ploy."

Ed shot him an incredulous look. "Shouldn't they have figured that out _before_ I got here?"

“All good things in time," Hughes said, patting Ed's left shoulder. "Now! There are a few key places I want to film! First, we'll take a look through the garden, segway to the pool area, take a short trip to the woods, and then end on the ridge overlooking the sunset!"

 _Well..._ Ed thought, _that doesn't sound too bad_.

"Then we'll get shots of inside the mansion," Hughes continued as he led the way to the garden.

The garden was pretty big, with lots of different flowers of all shapes and colors. Ed was pretty sure he saw a few exotic ones that he knew would die in a matter of weeks due to the different in climate. Some people just didn't think of the life of the plant, only how long it would stay pretty.

"Now, start the camera!" Hughes hollered as he got out of the way. Ed twisted to watch him go before looking around.

"What am I supposed to do?" Ed called.

"Haven't you ever watched the Bachelor or Bachelorette?" Hughes yelled back.

"Doesn't mean I've _been on it_ before."

"Fair point." Hughes gestured to the flowers. "Just explore the garden! Act natural!"

The cameraman stalked closer, careful to keep the camera steady. 

_Of course,_ Ed thought, _natural. Yeah right._

Letting out the biggest sigh known to man, Ed slipped his hands into his pockets and wandered over to a patch of flowers perfectly tended to and paused to look at them. The cameraman followed his every step.

Ed felt so stupid right now, looking through flowers like some girl. 

Eyes dancing over the different petals, Ed realized that many of the ones in this patch were ordinary house flowers. A thought passed through his head and he began to search without realizing what he was doing.

It was a game he and Al had always played when they were little. Finding mom's favorite flower was difficult because it was so small and often over looked for the brighter, bigger plants that took up so much space.

 _Lily-of-the-valley,_ Ed thought, just as he locked eyes on it. Crouching, he pushed a few leaves of another plant out of the way and smiled down at the freshly bloomed petals.

"Favorite flower?" the cameraman asked, camera zoomed in to view the white, bell-like petals.

"My mom's," Ed answered lowly, reaching out with his free hand to brush against the stem. "It was her favorite because it's so small and often overlooked. She told me once that every flower should have someone to love it. She loved this one and, now that she's gone, so do I."

Ed finally looked up from the flower, only to realize that the camera was practically in his face. He practically fell over in shock, " _Shit_! What the hell man?!"

"Wonderful!" Hughes clapped his hands and patted the cameraman on the back. "Onwards to the pool, yes?"

Ed grimaced. "Can we skip the pool?"

"If you're worried about the wrong clothes…" Hughes shrugged. "You don't have to worry. We're not going to make you get in."

"Less about _getting_ in, more about _falling_ in." Ed raised his right arm, automail hand gleaming. "I tend to sink, if you know what I mean."

"Hmm... We'll stick to the shallow end," Hughes decided. "It's only three feet tall, so even you shouldn’t have to worry about drowning."

"That still doesn't-!" Ed's protest was ignored as Hughes steered him over to the pool area. When the two stopped at the shallow end, camera crew in tow, Ed shot Hughes a glare.

"Just act natural!"

"This is _natural_ ," Ed growled. "I'd never get in a pool! For one, my automail does not float. For two, it _rusts_ if I don't oil it right afterwards. And the oil I need is in my bag which I'm sure _one of you_ already put in my room."

A man towards the back looked sheepish.

"Sorry, but I have nothing to say about the pool." Ed crossed his arms. "It's water and it’s dangerous and I'm not getting in."

There was a few more minutes of arguing on both Hughes and Ed's side, but the blonde finally won out.

"Fine!" Hughes spat, his perfectly combed hair looking decidedly _less than perfect_. "But you have to do the other shots, no questions!"

"Woods and a hill." Ed shrugged. "No problem."

The next stop was the woods, just like Hughes said. There, the trees weren't densely packed like they had been on Teacher's island, but they looked pretty good for climbing either way. When Ed mentioned it to Hughes, the man looked intrigued.

"Your teacher had an island?"

"Teacher —capital ‘T’, Izumi Curtis," Ed clarified, "taught me all I know about martial arts. She's a professional martial artist, but not a teacher. It took _forever_ for Al and me to convince her to take us on as students. Her trial was that we had to last a week on this island in the middle of nowhere. Al and I thought she had abandoned us there and that Mom would never be able to find us, but we found out later that Sig was already there to keep an eye out and make sure we didn't kill ourselves."

"This Teacher of yours sounds reckless," Hughes said, face pale.

"Nah, she's just got her own way of doing things." Ed waved him off and stepped closer to a tree, looking up to spot hand and foot holds. "To be honest, that was the _easiest_ week of our training. If I couldn't last through that, I never would have been able to keep up with her lessons. Alphonse, my brother, feels the same, I'm sure."

"She sounds like one tough cookie," Hughes noted before pointing off in another direction. "Well, I think that's enough for this area—!"

Ed crouched and made a flying leap to the branch above his head. The camera crew stood gaping as the man made a jump twice his own height to grab onto the tree branch and, through some interesting acrobatics, twist himself up so he was seated comfortably.

"Tell me you got that on camera," Hughes whispered in awe to his cameraman. The man nodded, still looking above them at the blonde who was now inspecting a branch further up. Hughes suddenly snapped out of it and yelled. "Edward, please get down from there! Our insurance policy doesn't cover the event of a Bachelorette falling out of a tree!"

"But these trees are huge!" Ed shouted back, getting gracefully to his feet. This would definitely be a good place to hide if the 'Bachelors' got too persistent. Right now, however, Hughes looked like he was going to have an aneurysm if Ed stayed up there much longer. "Okay, fine! I'm coming down! Clear a spot!"

"Wait, Edward! Let us get a trampoline or mattress or-!"

Ed rolled his eyes and jumped, landing in a Safety Tuck to redirect his momentum and prevent injuries. Standing up and dusting himself off, Ed paused mid-motion at the camera crew staring at him, jaws to the floor. He scowled at them. "What? You look like you’ve never seen parkour before."

"I have the feeling you are going to be the bane of my existence these next few weeks." Hughes grumbled, hand thoroughly messing up his hair-do.

"You know, you aren't the first person to say that." Ed smirked mischievously.

"I can't say I'm surprised." Hughes ran a hand down his face before gesturing to what Ed assumed was the hill that Hughes had spoken of earlier.

Up close, the hill actually ended in a cliff with a sharp drop of about five feet. Ed couldn't help just walking up to look down the edge, feeling that thrill of adrenaline one got when there was the threat of danger about. In the setting sun, the drop looked further than it truly was and Ed couldn't help but grin down at it.

"That's perfect!" Hughes shouted as a shutter-camera man knelt to line up his view, snapping several pictures. "Hold that pose, Edward!"

"What?" Ed called, looking back at where Hughes next to the photographer right as the wind picked up and his bangs decided his face was free real estate. Ed snapped his eyes shut on instinct.

"On second thought, hold _that_ pose!" Hughes mimed taking a picture and pointed to the photographer kneeling in the grass. Ed's eyes opened and shifted to the camera just as the last picture was taken. The man dropped his camera from his eye in order to flip through the shots he'd taken. He showed the better ones to the director, leaving Ed out of the loop as the director patted the man on the back. 

"Okay!" Hughes clapped his hands together. "That a wrap for the outside filming! Now, on to the introductions!"

Ed groaned. That could only mean one thing.

It was time to meet the Bachelors.

* * * * *

Ed wasn't sure what to make of the Bachelors' reactions to him. Some looked shocked, a few looked scared out of their minds, others looked bored and one looked at Ed like he was a piece of meat.

"Okay, am I reading this wrong, or did you not tell them that I was a guy?" Ed shot Hughes a sharp look.

"Well..." Hughes took a comb to his hair to fix it up. "This decision was made half-way through the selection process, so..."

"Ri~ght." Ed sighed and ran a hand through his bangs to calm himself. "And I'm supposed to narrow this down, right?"

"Correct," Hughes said, motioning the cameraman to start filming.

"Grea~t." Ed shook his head, messing up whatever he'd done to his bangs and inhaled deeply. Squaring his shoulders, he addressed the Bachelors. "I know this is, if not a surprise to you, then at least something you had no way of controlling. If you are straight and do not want to be on the show any longer, please leave now. I will not be mad."

Like they had been waiting for the word, two Bachelors immediately headed towards the door. Two exchanged looks and shot Ed an apologetic glance before following at a more subdued pace. One more fidgeted in place before, shoulders hunched, he meekly made his way out. 

"There you go," Ed said with a grand gesture. "Seven Bachelors left for the show."

"Actually..." One guy raised his hand. "I'm bisexual, but I'm split 70-30 towards girls. Can I leave too?"

"Go for it," Ed said with a wave of his hand. It was no skin off his nose. As the guy headed out the door, Ed looked back at Hughes. "There you go! Eliminated half the crew and didn't take more than ten minutes. Episode done. Can I go to bed now?"

"Wha-?!" Hughes looked shocked and downright offended. "We—! We can't just end an episode like that! The audience doesn't know the names of the Bachelors! _You_ don't know the names of the Bachelors! You have to _interact_ with them!"

"Seriously?" Ed made a face, his shoulders sagging. "For real? I thought you just wanted me to weed out the competition!"

"No, Edward, you must meet with each of these men and learn their names and at least one thing that they like to do," Hughes stated, gesturing back to the Bachelors who were waiting oh-so patiently.

"Ugh! Fine!" Ed huffed and crossed his arms. He grumbled quietly. “You sound like _Al_.”

"Good." Hughes fixed his hat on his head. "Now, bring out the food."

"Wait, food?" Ed perked up. "You never said anything about food!"

The food turned out to be a disappointment.

Platters were brought out by waiters and placed at different tables around the room for people to congregate at. The platters themselves held small finger foods that Ed had never seen before. Though he would eat anything most days, these hors d’oeuvres looked questionable at best.

"Try this one," a blonde said, popping up at Ed's elbow. "From what I can tell, it's cream cheese mixed with cheddar."

The man held out a small thing that looked like a mound of light orange on top of a tan foil. Ed took it from him with his left hand, trying to figure it out.

"Am I supposed to take the foil off?"

"That ain't foil. It's bread."

"What?" Ed wrinkled his nose.

"Yeah, tell me about it! But it's legit." The blonde rested an elbow on the table, careful not to knock the platter over. "Ever had an elephant ear at a carnival?"

Ed tilted his head in thought before nodding. Yeah, Al always made him get at least two because Ed ate one all on his own. 

"Think of the really thin, crunchy parts, but with less sugar." The blonde waved his hand as if to reinforce his description.

Frowning, Ed popped the hors d’oeuvre into his mouth and chewing slowly. When it didn't immediately kill him, Ed brightened and reached for another. "Could use bacon, but it ain't bad."

"That's what I said!" The blonde brightened in reply then held out a hand. "Jean Havoc, eligible Bachelor number 1."

Ed popped another of the cheese mounds into his mouth before taking the man's hand. "Edward Elric. Unfortunately, my title is still the Bachelorette."

"Ouch, they really didn't think this through, did they?" Jean asked, looking over at where the Hughes was standing. The camera crew had spread out among the Bachelors in order to keep track of all of the conversations. One followed Ed around constantly, making the blonde bristle.

"I heard they changed mid selection process," Ed stated, resolutely ignoring the cameraman. "They're still scrambling to play catch up."

"Yikes." The other blonde shuddered.

"Yup," Ed said, shoving another cheese mound into his mouth. "So what do you like to do for fun?"

"Shooting," Jean answered. "I have a few sniper guns I take to a range. I can only do about mid-range for the guns, but it's still pretty fun. I like hunting too, but it's hard to figure out what to do with all the animals I take down. I hate to waste food, you know? What about you?"

"Science stuff you probably wouldn't understand," Ed answered honestly. When Jean's face fell, he rubbed at the back of his neck self-consciously. "And some martial arts."

Jean brightened at that. "I know some hand-to-hand. Not a lot, but maybe you'd want to show me some time?"

"Maybe," Ed said, non-committal. "I think that will depend on the producers."

"It could..." Jean replied. "Or it could depend on only us."

Ed paused, a fourth cheese mound half-way to his mouth. Turning a confused look onto blonde, he stared at him hard. "What?"

"A date." Jean's smile weakened. "That is what you're after, right?"

Ed stared some more before gasping. " _Shit_ , that's right!"

"Did you forget?" Jean frowned.

"No, no! Just..." Ed face-palmed, nearly getting cheese in his hair. "Honestly? My friend signed me up for this. If it were up to me, I wouldn't be here right now."

Jean frowned and crossed his arms. "Then why didn't you tell the studio 'no'?"

Ed looked up, eyes wide. "I can do that?"

"Did you sign the contract?"

"Yes."

"Then not anymore!" Jean smiled savagely at Ed's expense.

" _Shiiiiit_..." Ed sighed. 

"No worries." Jean patted him on the back. "I don't mind, but I wouldn't tell the other contestants. They might get mad that you aren't here willingly."

"As willing as I am for most things in life," Ed grouched. 

"Well, it was nice talking with you." Jean smiled as he looked over Ed's shoulder. "But it looks like someone else wants your attention. Keep me in mind for that date, yeah?"

Ed nodded before turning to see who was next in line and felt a shiver go up his spine... and not the good kind.

The person had long, dark hair and a sharply fitted suit, just like all the other Bachelors had on. The only problem was that Ed wasn't sure if it was a guy or girl. Maybe the name would help out...?

"Envy," the brunette said, offering a hand. Damn, that wasn't helpful. Ed might not be the most socially adept, but even _he_ knew it was rude to ask someone's gender.

"Edward," Ed replied, shaking the hand. When he went to pull back, Envy didn't immediately release his hand.

"I know." Envy grinned, slowly sliding his hand away from Ed's, as if he was trying to prolong the contact.

Ed's danger sensors were tingling. Normally, he ignored them as they only reared their heads around Teacher, but this guy... something was definitely not right with him. The less time Ed spent with him, the better.

"So what do you like to do, Envy?" Ed asked, trying to get this over with as fast as possible.

"I like to do scrap-booking., Envy answered with a slick smile. 

The answer threw Ed off. "Scrap-booking?"

"Yes, I find good pictures in magazines and books, cut them out and arrange them," Envy answered, taking a step closer to Ed. "I especially like it when the eyes match the background."

 _Wasn't there supposed to be some belief about people cutting out eyes in magazines?_ Ed thought frantically as he edged away. "O-Oh? That's... um... that's great!"

"What do you say? Do you want to..." The person licked their lips. "Scrapbook with me some time?"

"Er —Oh look! Other Bachelors!" Ed declared. "So sorry! I have to meet everyone tonight and, really, it's been nice talking with you."

Before the man (woman?) could say anything else, Ed was gone, over to another table with two people at it. The two looked up, mildly surprised. They had probably been waiting for their turn in line when Ed had approached them instead.

"Sorry to break in on your conversation, but that guy is really creeping me out," Ed whispered. "He was talking about cutting eyes out of magazines!"

"Wh-What?!" the brunette of the group gasped. He looked young, still had baby fat in his face and his eyes looked huge behind his glasses. He had seemed shy at first, but now he just looked terrified. "Did they let a serial killer in here? Didn't they do a psych-check?!"

"Well, they didn't do one to me so..." Ed wanted to look over his shoulder, but resolutely kept his forward. "Is he still there?"

"Yeah," the ginger answered, gaze dark as he looked out of the corner of his eye. "It looks like a cameraman is approaching him though. Probably for a comment section like that first blonde you talked with. He'll be back in a few minutes."

" _Shiiiit_." Ed breathed, feeling tension start to build in his shoulders, the muscles around his automail tensing painfully. "I should have waited to do my first elimination until _after_ I talked with him."

"Don't worry, we'll keep him away," the ginger answered. "It's one against five. There's no way he'll win."

"One against six." Ed huffed. "I'm no damsel in distress."

"You got spunk." The ginger grinned and offered his hand. "Heymans Breda, but you can call me Breda."

"Edward Elric," Ed said, taking his hand before directing his attention to the timid brunette. "And you?"

"Ah! Kain Fuery!" The brunette scrambled to shake Ed's hand, almost dropping his drink down his shirt. "S-Sorry about that!"

"No worries." Ed waved him off. "So what do you guys like to do?"

"I'm a food aficionado," Breda said, showing off his plate that had one of every hors d’oeuvre. "I like to make and try bizarre foods across the globe. I have travelled to several different countries over the past few years in search of the weirdest and tastiest dishes."

"That sounds like an awesome adventure!" Ed noted. "I'm a fan of foods myself, but can't say I've tried anything weirder than catfish. My brother says I have a stomach made of iron though."

"I know a few places around here." Breda grinned. "You should let me take you out sometime. Test that iron stomach of yours."

"That sounds like a deal!" Ed grinned hungrily. His stomach growled and he reached for another of the cheese mounds.

"Would you like some of mine?" Kain offered, holding out his plate. He didn't have any of the cheese mounds that Ed had been reaching for, but he did have a few others. "Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant."

"Milk is the bane of my existence," Ed declared. "But I make an exception for cheese and ice cream."

Kain laughed and looked startled by it.

"So what do you recommend?" Ed asked, looking over his plate. He still had no idea what any of these were (besides the cheese mounds).

"The Bruscetta are good." Fuery answered.

The ones he pointed out looked to be thin, toasted slices of bread topped with chopped tomatoes and a dash of herbs. Ed saw two different kinds on the other plates, ones with cheese and ones without. Either way, they looked far more filling than some of the other stuff. He snatched on up and popped the whole thing into his mouth.

"So what do you like to do?" Ed asked around the morsel.

"I'm in to amateur radio," Fuery said, wilting a little. "I know most people don't know about it, but I like it."

"Are you kidding?" Ed's eyes widened. "I'm working with frequencies all the time! I’m trying to crack the planar-distance theory to send curved waves. There is so much noise in the system after a point. I know it’s not exactly the same thing, but tell me, have you ever tried...?"

The two continued to talk radios for a while, Fuery getting bolder and bolder as he became more comfortable. After a while though, someone cleared their throat, cutting into their talk. Ed turned to glare at the person who dare interrupted his science time before remembering where he was.

The man's confident smile weakened, but he asked. "Mind if I cut in?"

"S-Sorry." Fuery blushed. "I tend to get a little into it when I talk."

"Hey, don't beat yourself up." Ed smiled at him. "It takes two to have a conversation. But I'm going to have to go back to the meet n' greet. We'll talk some more later, okay?"

"Y-Yeah!" Fuery brightened, smiling as he left and took his empty plate with him.

"I'm sorry to cut in on you, but I wanted to have a chance to speak with you before the night was over," the man said, offering his hand. He had a shock of silver hair that made Ed wonder about his age, but it wasn't thinning and the man didn't have wrinkles, so Ed had to believe they were somewhere near the same age. "Vato Falman, at your service."

"Edward Elric," Ed answered, shaking his hand. "So what do you like to do?"

"I fly airplanes," Vato answered. "I am both a certified pilot and contractor to a small business. I fly both small planes and model planes. I'm currently working on my own model, trying to make it as aerodynamic as possible."

The man's scientific approach was admirable, but Ed never took mechanical engineering or structural sciences, so aerodynamics was outside of his field. He did ask questions though and tried to appear attentive. When the man begged off, Ed made his way back over to Hughes.

"Okay, I've talked with all of the Bachelors," Ed declared. "What's next?"

"Unfortunately, you have one more you didn't talk to," Hughes said, pointing with his improvised script. The thing was covered with scribbles that Ed couldn't read —and people said _his_ handwriting was bad.

In the corner next to a large window, stood the last contestant. He was handsome, Ed would give him that. Dark hair contrasted nicely with his pale skin. If he had been a porn star, Ed probably wouldn't have looked for any other videos but his. (He wasn’t sure how much of a compliment that was.)

As it was though, he was (probably) not a porn star and was actually here to find love —or at least, that's what the show had claimed. Maybe Ed had a chance?

The walk over was short, but when he arrived, the man didn't give him notice. Ed cleared his throat.

"Yes, I know you're there," the man said haughtily. Ed felt his eyebrow twitch.

"You're the last contestant I have to meet," Ed said, ignoring the surge of _something_ that welled up in him. "Any particular reason you're avoiding me?"

Maybe... the man was straight? Ed had given all of the Bachelors a chance to leave if they felt uncomfortable with trying to win his affection. The man had stayed, but then again, so had Envy and Ed didn't trust that Bachelor as far as he could throw him.

"I figured I'd let you do your rounds in peace." The man shrugged, "No point in crowding the Bachelorette."

Ed grimaced at the name.

The man caught the look from the corner of his eye and smirked, finally turning to Edward. "Roy Mustang. Pleasure to meet you."

"Edward Elric," Ed replied, shaking his hand. Roy had a firm grip and a dry palm, not clammy like some of the others had been. Ed tucked that bit of information away for later. "So what do you like to do, Roy?"

Roy looked out the window again, as if in thought. Ed waited patiently, then, as the seconds ticked by, impatiently. This was the last guy of the evening and he was turning out to be a bastard.

"Well?" Ed tapped his foot. "You do like to do something, right?"

"I do, I just don't know if it's appropriate," Roy answered, voice like silk.

"One of the guys here likes to cut eyes out of magazines. As long as you aren't taking it a step further, I'm sure it will be fine," Ed noted. "What is it you like to do?"

"You," Roy answered, that damn smirk on his lips again.

It took a moment for his mind to process what Roy had just said, but once he understood, Ed's cheeks turned bright red.

Roy attempted to cover his mouth, but the grin was obvious. "Oh, that's adorable!"

"Y-You-! You bastard!" Ed shouted, his voice echoing through the room. The other Bachelors looked up, curious to know who had incurred the Bachelorette's wrath.

"What?" Roy asked innocently, that smirk still playing at his lips. "It's just a pick up line, Edward. I'm sure you've heard those before."

"Well, _yeah_ , on TV and stuff, but that's not my point!" Ed huffed, feeling his cheeks heat up more under the stares of the other contestants. "Why did you say that and then call me adorable?! What is wrong with you!?"

"That is the point of the show, isn't it?" Roy's smirk widened as he leaned back against window sill, his bangs falling to the side and the moonlight hitting him just so. "We are supposed to romance you in order to stay in the game."

"Is that all this is to you?" Ed hissed, "A _game_?"

"Of course." Roy shrugged. "Love has only ever been a game. There are losers and there are winners and there are consequences if you win or lose."

Ed opened his mouth to protest, but Roy cut him off by taking a step forward, putting himself in Ed's personal space.

"Just so you know, Edward..." Roy leaned in close, as if to kiss Ed on the lips. "I always win."

And just like that, Roy pulled away and walked over to a platter of hors d’oeuvre. Ed gawked after him along with every other person in the room before he let out an intelligible stream of angry curses and stomped over to Hughes.

"I'm done," Ed demanded, pushing past. "I'm going to bed and I don't care what you say! There is not enough food to change my mind!"

Hughes opened his mouth to argue, but Ed was already up the grand staircase and away from the world.

* * * * *

_"What do I think about the Bachelors?” Ed repeated the interviewer’s question and looked as much thoughtful as he did exhausted. “Jean, Breda, and Kain were nice. Vato was kind of plane —pun totally intended. Envy was creepy as fuck! and Roy...” _

_Here, the Bachlorette paused, cheeks tinting red._

_At a cough from the interviewer, Ed continued grumpily. “That bastard is not going to win. That’s my final answer. Are we done? Can I go to bed now? This had to be the most uncomfortable day of my life."_

* * * * *

The schedule was broken up so that each guy had a date with Ed the next week.

One date per day sounded easy enough, but then that meant he had to spend the entire day with Envy when that Bachelor's turn was up. They watched some documentary about domestic animals with a surprisingly large amount of animal surgery going on. By the end of it, Ed was planning on eliminating Envy just so that he never had to spend another day watching a movie like that.

The other dates were okay.

He and Breda when to a Brazilian steak house that had slabs of meat on skewers being served to customers. They were also serving chicken hearts, a "delicacy" according to Breda. The man laughed when Ed refused, but when the blonde explained his previous date, the ginger looked a little green. Ed was vindicated by the fact that the heart was left sitting on Breda's plate by the time they left.

Falman's date took them to a museum on aviation. Ed could enjoy the physics of flying while Falman delved into the history of aerial vehicles. Ed left that date feeling pretty much the same as he went in.

Jean's date took him shooting, where Jean patiently explained to Ed how to hit the target. By the end of the evening, Ed had gotten one bull's eyes and proudly carried his hard-earned prize home with him in the form of the target sheet.

Fuery's date was the best by far. The two went out into a field with a picnic basket and cooler and a suit case that Ed was curious about. When the food had been set out, Kain had opened the case and unfolded his amateur radio set. Most of the date was spent talking formulas and noise reduction in-between shoving sandwiches into their mouths. Ed was pretty sure the cameraman fell asleep at one point, but he wasn't about to tell on him. It would be blackmail material for later.

The last date to go before the weekend was Roy's date. Which happened to be at... a carnival.

"You know I'm not a kid, right?" Ed huffed.

"Really?" Roy looked genuinely surprised. "I'm shocked. I thought the network used a child for every Bachelorette star."

Ed felt his eyebrow twitch. "Aren't you supposed to be winning my affection?"

"But I am, aren't I?" Roy grinned innocently. "I brought you to a carnival so I can show off my amazing skills and buy you a giant stuffed animal. It's the most cliché date ever!"

Ed opened his mouth to retort, but Roy's last comment startled a laugh out of him. He tried quickly to pass it off as a cough and felt he was successful enough _("He wasn't in the least." "Shut up, Roy._ ").

"Let's just go on some rides, bastard," Ed grumbled, heading off towards one that he and Al like to ride.

"Edward, I think we want to head in that direction," Roy stated, pointing towards Kiddie-Land.

Ed looked over and frowned, "Why?"

"Because then you won't need my assistance to ride." Roy smiled innocently.

Once the words registered in Edward's head, the blonde fumed. " _Who are you calling so short that he needs adult supervision to ride, asshole?!_ "

Roy laughed and ran as Ed gave chase. The bastard was surprisingly fast for the lazy-ass he appeared to be. 

When Ed finally caught up, Roy was at the start of a line for a ride (not the kiddie one. At least the brunette had a brain) and he quickly tugged the blonde on with him. It was a rollercoaster by carnival standards, meaning it didn't go too fast or too high but was fun to ride anyway.

Next was the Scrambler (or Sizzler as some carnivals called it). With his right hand being automail, Ed had no problem keeping himself in place so he wouldn't squish Roy (something Roy seemed disappointed about, oddly enough).

The entire time, Ed's mind was buzzing as he tried to calculate the magnitude of centripetal forces coming from having the cart travel in a circle around a larger circle. At the speed they were going, it was enough to make the blonde's stomach hop, but not enough to injure anyone. (Unless of course, Ed let go and slammed into Roy with all 200 pounds of flesh and automail at his disposal. Then, then it might hurt... Roy anyway.)

After that it was ride after ride after ride (" _Let's go in the Tunnel of Love!" "Not a chance, Bastard_."), until they finally stopped to eat. They perused a few food trucks, finding all of Ed's favorite things (" _Two elephant ears please." "Make it one." "No, Roy, it will be two and you will thank me for it." "...?"_ ) and by the time they were done eating, the sun was starting to set.

"Are we good for this episode?" Ed asked the camera guy. The blonde was starting to get a little fidgety. Just as the man gave him a thumbs up, Roy grabbed hold of his wrist and dragged the blonde away. "Hey! Bastard, what are you-!?"

"There are two of us." Roy told a ticket collector.

"Four tickets, please."

Roy handed over the tickets and quickly dragged Ed into an empty cart. Ed sputtered with indignation as he found himself on the Ferris Wheel, heading towards the top.

"What do you think you're doing?" Ed demanded, only to have his anger quickly cool at the sight of Roy staring off at the sky. "Roy?"

"Sorry. I just..." Roy shrugged and gave a self-deprecating smile. "I never leave the carnival without going on the Ferris Wheel at least once."

Ed frowned but leaned back. "If that's all, why didn't you say so earlier?"

"Partly because the lines were so long and partly because the cameraman was still following us around," Roy said as he rolled his shoulders to relieve tension. From what, Ed had no idea. "I never thought I'd want privacy, but being followed around for a week is getting on my nerves."

" _Oh please._ You don't have it even _half_ as bad as me." Ed huffed, leaning his head back and feeling the cart shift with him. 

"The guy filmed me making a peanut butter sandwich." Roy raised an eyebrow.

Ed narrowed his eyes in challenge. "He tried to follow me into the shower."

"Ooh, yeah, that's worse." Roy made a face. "Do you ever get a break from them?"

"I have one right now." Ed gestured to the car where it was only the two of them. 

"I mean besides that." Roy smiled secretively. "This one I had planned from the beginning of the date."

"Then, no." Ed sighed. "I really wasn't expecting this when they accepted my application."

"Neither was I," Roy confessed. "To be honest, this was my friend's idea."

"No shit?" Edward sat up. "Mine too. She did it for a prank."

"He was trying to be helpful... in his own _strange_ way." Roy winced, leaning an arm against the window pane of the cart. "I've been having trouble getting back in the dating field recently and had started being, as he put it, 'anti-social'. So he thought this would cheer me up."

"Did it?" Ed cocked his head to the side.

"The show? No." Roy's eyes slid over to Ed, smoldering as he spoke. "But you? Yes."

Ed felt his cheeks flushing and was about to call Roy on his bullshit when the wheel stopped at the very top. Looking down, Ed didn't see anyone else in line. He looked up at Roy. "Why are we stopped?"

"I asked the operator to stop us at the top," Roy answered evenly.

Ed felt his skin begin to prickle and he narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"For that," Roy said, pointing out the window. Ed frowned and looked out to see the barest hints of the setting sun. He opened his mouth to question the brunette again when the sky suddenly burst into light. Ed's jaw dropped instead as he watched fireworks take off into the sky. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

"It's a chain reaction of chemicals caused by an initial excitation due to heat that leads to an exothermic result at such a fast rate that it breaks the sound barrier, hence the boom," Ed rattled off as he watched the display of pyrotechnics.

Roy was silent for a while, before asking, "Do you always think that like?"

"Like what?" Ed asked, looking away.

"All that science and stuff?" Roy clarified, a small smile on his lips. 

"I have three PhDs in Science," Ed deadpanned. "It would be weird if I _don't_ think that way."

Roy laughed. "I guess that's true."

"What do you think about then?" Ed asked as he went back to watching the fireworks.

"I used to just think they were pretty lights in the sky," Roy answered.

 _Used to…_ "And now?"

"Now, I look down instead of up."

"Down?" Ed's gaze shifted automatically to stare down at the carnival and his breath caught in his throat.

"All those people down there, all watching the fireworks..." Roy described. "It's almost like the entire world has been put on pause."

It was exactly like Roy described. This far up, the people looked small, tiny movements like shifting or crossing their arms were almost unnoticeable. It looked exactly like someone had hit the pause button and left him and Roy alone in the world.

"Why are you showing me this?" Ed asked.

"For one, I needed to make sure this date was as cliché as it could get, following the theme I set earlier." Roy grinned brightly.

"For two?" Ed asked, looking up just in time for Roy's lips to meet his in a chaste kiss. His mind blank, Ed remained where he was for several seconds until Roy pulled away with a smirk.

"So that you can answer with honesty ‘ _There were fireworks_.’" Roy grinned wolfishly.

"Th-That!" Ed sputtered, face growing hot. "That was the _worst_ line I have ever heard!"

Roy laughed as the Ferris Wheel began its journey down. For a split second, Ed wished that they never had to leave.

Only for a split second.

* * * * *

The next day was a group date and the first true elimination (Hughes said the other one didn't count).

They didn't really go anywhere, just hung out in the backyard. Ed quietly avoided the pool as he mingled with the Bachelors and drank cheap alcohol as if it was going out of style. Sadly, he couldn't quite get drunk off of it. His and Winry's occasional contests had strengthened his tolerance too much.

The blonde staunchly avoided Envy as the creep kept trying to get his attention. The first time Ed let him, the guy had made what sounded like an attempt at an innuendo but came across as a death threat. Now, Ed was just trying to keep away from him until the night was over.

At least this elimination would be an easy one...

Out of the corner of his eye, Ed spotted Roy, who had been absent thus far. The brunette was lounging at the side of the pool, drink in hand as he looked up at the slowly darkening sky. Like Ed, he had swim trunks and a shirt on, though his was a button down where Ed's was a plain T.

Feeling his heart skip a beat, Ed impulsively started over towards him, making up the excuse that he had to greet everyone, even if they were a bastard.

As he started to round the pool and head towards Roy, he felt a hand on his shoulder and a push.

His heart stopped and the world slowed down as he twisted, trying to keep his balance even as he tilted dangerously over the edge of the pool, but it was too late.

He had just enough time to reflexively fill his lungs before the water closed over him with a roar.

Immediately, he sank.

The chlorine burned his eyes and the metal of his automail dragged him down, pinning him to the bottom of the deep end. Frantically, he tried to push himself up, but what is near impossible on land was completely so under the hundreds of pounds of pressure the water exerted. His mind was frantic, half turning pressure formulas — _pressure equals the force of the liquid-gas divided by the area contained, the pool is six-by-eighteen and twelve-foot deep with a ramp of 20 degree incline—_ and the other half crying as his lungs burned for air.

Another, muffled splash and he felt arms on his shoulders, dragging him up. Even a second person wasn't enough. Ed could get to his feet, but automail was as effective as wearing iron boots. His lungs were burning and his throat constricting as his body's own instinct started to kick in. Bubbles left his mouth.

He was pushed against the wall as lips sealed around his, pushing air into his deflated lungs. Even though the air was more carbon dioxide than oxygen, it was enough to appease his body's first instinct.

The lips were gone, followed by the body as the person raced for the surface, breaking it with a splash before returning to Ed's side and pushing him up the incline from the deep to the shallows.

The process was repeated twice more before Ed finally broke the surface, gasping and coughing as his diaphragm readjusted to the pressure change.

Everyone was crowded around him, shouting and asking if he was okay. Someone's hand was between his shoulder blades, with another around his waist. It was the person that had jumped in after he had fallen and pushed him back to the surface.

Blinking his eyes to clear out the chlorine, Ed looked up to find himself nose-to-nose with Roy.

"Are you all right?" the man asked, genuine concern on his face.

Ed started to answer, but was hit with another coughing fit.

"You pushed him!" someone accused. It sounded like Jean.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." And that sounded Envy. Ed really wouldn't put it past the guy.

"I saw you push him into the water!" Jean continued as Ed caught his breath, Roy's arms still strong around him. "When everyone rushed to help, you just stood there with your drink!"

"He was _fine_."

"He could have _drowned_."

"Edward." Roy's voice gently took Ed away from the conversation. The brunette was guiding them to the steps, always keeping a hand on Ed. "Are you all right? Did you hit your head? Does anything hurt?"

" _I fucking hate water_," Ed growled as he grabbed hold of the rail with shaking hands and hauled himself out. Beside him, Roy blinked before letting out a startled laugh, then immediately looking apologetic.

"Sorry that it happened. But it sounds like you'll be fine," Roy said, leading him over to a lawn chair far from the edge of the pool.

An ambulance had been called and they wouldn't leave until they looked Edward over. He had a strained muscle from holding up his automail underwater, but it wouldn't take long to heal. Other than that, he was fine and the ambulance allowed him to stay at the mansion.

"We would suggest you stay away from the pool in the meantime," one emergency responder said. "Just to be safe."

Immediately he glared at Hughes. "Hear that? No pool!"

"I got the message loud and clear," Hughes said in response, only looking slightly pale. Ed wondered if he was even paying attention, or if he was thinking of the ratings he would get instead. "Time for the Rose Ceremony."

"Seriously?" Ed fumed. "I almost died and you want to go on like nothing happened!?"

"Well, you know the saying: The show must go on." Hughes shrugged. "Quite literal in our case."

"But I-! And you-! And _he_ -!"

Roy put a hand on Ed's shoulder. "I don't think you have a chance of changing his mind. But look on the bright side, at least you know who you're getting rid of."

Ed opened his mouth to argue, and then closed it with an audible _click_. Seething, he went over to the table that had been set up with roses and glared at the cameraman that followed him. Standing in front of it, he turned and crossed his arms as the bachelors lined up in front of him. 

"Envy," Edward addressed the smug brunette. "You are _not_ receiving a rose. Pack up your things and leave."

"What?!" Envy shouted, as if actually surprised by the decision.

"Edward!" Hughes whined. "You're supposed to hand out the roses _first_! Otherwise, we don't feel the tension! Where's the build up? Where's the suspense?!"

"The _suspense_ was when Envy pushed me into the pool and I _nearly drowned_." Ed scowled at the director. "I think that's enough suspense for one day. If the audience thinks I'm debating still dating my would-be murderer, I'm sure they'll think this show is too stupid to watch."

"Ah! You broke the fourth wall!"

"Don't act like you can't make edits." Ed waved him off and glared at Envy again. "And don't _you_ dare try to act like you didn't see this coming. If your things aren't gone by the time I get in there, I will throw you out _myself_."

Envy glared at Ed, then marched off towards the mansion. Ed waited until he was out of sight before turning back to the crowd.

"Now that that's over, is there any food around here?" Ed asked. "Almost drowning makes me hungry."

The bachelors and crew stared at him.

What? Ed thought it was a good joke.

* * * * *

_"It was a joke! I thought he would think it was funny." Envy scoffed._

_"You thought he would think almost drowning... would be funny,” the interviewer repeated, as if to make sure he had heard correctly._

_"Yes! Exactly!"_

_"And your date...?"_

_"I thought he would appreciate the things doctors do to save the lives of animals. All the shaving and surgery and cutting and blood and... What were we talking about?"_

_"Your, uh... your introduction...?"_

_"Oh, I said that to creep him out. On purpose."_

_"Uh-huh..."_

_"What can I say? He may be my type, but he sure doesn't have a good sense of humor."_

_"Moving on..."_

* * * * *

_“Oh yeah, that guy was definitely a psycho.” Jean flailed his arms in annoyance. “I mean, did you see the way he pushed Ed into the water?! I hope someone got that on camera, so Ed can sue if he wants.”_

_“Uh… contestants are not allowed to sue the company for damages-?”_

_“Company? I’m talking about Envy!”_

* * * * *

_“Yeah, that guy was a psycho.” Breda leaned back and crossed his arms with a disappointed look on his face. “How did he even get into the program?”_

_“Well… the studio was having a little trouble since the theme was changed part way through.”_

_“That’s no excuse and you know it. This kind of thing would never have happened at my restaurant. Speaking of, have I told you about that…?”_

* * * * *

The day after the group date, Ed got a whole day to himself to relax and enjoy some peace and quiet...

Which he used to grade his students' papers.

"Edward, I was wondering..." Roy began, opening the door after a quick, perfunctory knock. When he opened the door to see the blonde completely surrounded by papers, he paused. "Uh... do you need help there?"

"Do you know the theory of particle physics down to the sub-atomic level?"

"Uh... no?"

"Can you work a red pen and read an answer key?"

"Yes."

"Good enough." 

That's where Kain found them when he came by an hour later to ask Ed a question. He promptly forgot his question and grabbed a red pen, stating. "I used to be a grader for my major. I know how long it takes to get through these."

Breda soon found his way over and Vato wandered in at some point. When Jean found out, everyone knew it.

"Why wasn't I invited to the party!?" the blonde complained, throwing the door open and looking livid.

"It's not a party," Ed snarked from behind a stack of papers. "Grab a pen and a stack of tests and help me grade."

Grumbling, Jean did just that.

They worked in peace for the next several hours, the Bachelors taking the multiple choice and short answer questions while leaving most of the essays to Ed. (" _Ed, I can't read this one." "Just leave it for me, I don't expect you to know the vocabulary of a physics graduate student." "No, I mean, I literally can't read this. The handwriting is horrible." "Oh... in that case, just mark it wrong." "Whoa, harsh.")_

When all of the grading was finally done, it was dinner time and Ed fell back onto his bed with a sound of exhaustion and glee. All of the Bachelors were massaging their wrists or backs, pained from sitting and writing so long. 

"Are you caught up on grading now?" Roy asked, having taken the seat right beside Ed on the bed.

"Yeah, but it won't be long before I have another pile like this," Ed moaned.

"You could try to keep on schedule with grading."

"This is on schedule." Ed looked up, eyes wide and incomprehension written on his face.

"I mean, grade a week's worth of homework each week instead of a month's or however long you put it off."

"This is a week's worth," Ed said, eyes turning devious as the Bachelors paled. "And now that I know you guys are so ready to help, I'll be sure to ask every week until the end of the show."

The Bachelors ran from the room, searching the house for adequate hiding spots.

"You could just not assign as much homework." Roy pointed out, not having left the bed yet.

"But how would I torture my students otherwise?" Ed whined.

"Pop quizzes." Roy shrugged.

Ed paused. "I like the way you think."

Roy smirked and Ed frowned. "That _does not_ mean you get any brownie points. I was just stating a fact."

"Of course you were."

* * * * *

_ Alphonse: Okay, you’ve been there a week. Give me the deets. _

_ Winry, give Al back his phone. _

_ Winry: Boo! You suck. _

_ Winry: How can you even tell? _

_ Alphonse don’t use words like ‘deets’ unless he goes completely over the top. _

_ Alphonse: that’s crickety-crank, yo, now spill the tea. _

_ See what I mean? _

_ Winry: oh God, why do I like you? _

_ Alphonse: Hush, both of you. Now, are you going to give us some details on the guys there or are you going to play hard to get? _

_ Why can’t I do both? ; ) _

_ No, but seriously, the rest of the guys here are pretty cool. _

_ I mean, one tried to drown me, but I survived. _

_ And don’t worry, Winry, I made sure to oil the automail afterwards. _

_ Winry: Good. _

_ Alphonse: Oh my God, did you die?! _

_ Sadly, yes. _

_ But I lived! _

_ Winry: please tell me you voted him off. _

_ Duh? I’m not stupid. _

_ Alphonse: Debatable. _

_ Winry: Debatable. _

_ I hate you both so much. _

_ Alphonse: Any other names I should add to my hit list? _

_ Not really. One guy’s kind of boring. Another is a little shy. Two are pretty cool dudes. And one is… _

_ Alphonse: Is? _

_ Winry: Tea, man. Spill it. _

_ Now, I want to first state that I cannot, under terms of my NDA, name names here, but… _

_ Roy is a right-ass *bastard*. _

Alphonse and Winry stared down at the last text in the group chat, then shared a look.

“We are totally winning the office pot,” Alphonse said.

“Oh, without a doubt,” Winry agreed.

* * * * *

Breda was up first for the next set of dates.

He and Ed went to an authentic sushi restaurant on the coast. It was a bit of a drive, but they had a lot of time to talk while they waited in the back of the limo.

Ed found out that Breda had originally been a chef, but had quit when he had less and less time to experiment with flavors as he was promoted to higher positions. Instead, he opened his own restaurant with exotic flavors from all of his travels and had a friend of his run it while Breda was out of the country.

"Technically, I'm supposed to be running it now," Breda confided in Ed. "But when I was accepted for this show, my buddy pushed me to take a chance. I honestly didn't think I'd make it past the first elimination."

"Well, what can I say?" Ed smiled brightly. "You're a man after my own heart."

"Literally in this case." The ginger grinned just as the limo pulled into the restaurant.

The sushi was what you would expect to find and Ed was almost disappointed before Breda asked for the special. The 'special' turned out to be a rotating table-plate with every portion of the fish available with different dipping sauces and seasons. It ended up becoming a dare contest between the two men as they tried every possible combination (Ed will maintain that the eyes were worse than the intestines, despite what Breda may say).

With Kain, the show kept in the radio theme with their date being in a radio station. Both Ed and Kain were a little disappointed as being on the radio was different from _making_ a radio (by a fair amount), but they both had fun regardless. Ed had been asked multiple times to stop cursing so much, but he couldn't seem to help it. The censor bleeps were just so fun to listen to.

Fans of the show got to phone in and ask Ed and Kain questions as a more interactive interview. Through this, Ed found out that Kain was in his last year of a graduate program focusing on microelectronics —what he claimed to be the future of technology (Ed would claim that the 'future' would be teleporters and warp speed, but he had always been a sci-fi nut).

The date with Vato was... interesting.

The show had hired a pilot to take Vato and Ed on an aerial date around the surrounding lands —forgetting that Vato was a pilot himself. He ended up backseat driving the entire time, much to the hired pilot's displeasure. Ed knew that it was just a poor choice in location and activity, but he couldn't really say he had felt a connection with Vato before, so he wasn't too quick to excuse the man's actions.

The date with Jean had a better turn out.

"Lazer tag?" Ed asked, looking at the brightly lit guns and armor.

"It's both fun and competitive." Jean shrugged. "But, hey, I'll take any game where I can shoot at people legally."

"I'm sure you would." Ed rolled his eyes. "What are you, some kind of soldier?"

"Used to be." Jean grinned. "Used to do some covert missions, but, unfortunately, I can't tell you due to security clearance."

"I have some clearance," Ed said as he slid one of the vests on. "I did some development work during my sabbatical, but I understand the procedures."

"No kiddin'?" Jean threw on a vest and buckled the strap with ease.

"Nope." Ed caught the gun that was tied to his waist and hefted it up for a look-see. "So, you said used to —what do you do now?"

"Believe it or not, my family owns a chain of general stores." Jean balanced his gun on his shoulder. "We typically sell local produce and stuff, but our motto is ‘We can get you anything from anywhere’."

Ed paused and frowned at him. "That sounds suspicious."

"What? No, it doesn't!"

"Totally does."

"Does not!"

"Keep telling yourself that."

Lazer tag was easy.

It was a point and shoot game that had some pretty interesting mechanics —like the reflectors placed around the dark obstacle course. All Ed had to do was spot Jean's lights, find the nearest reflector, calculate the angle, and fire.

Afterwards (when he won by 1000 points), he tried to explain to Jean that it was simple geometry, but the man jokingly upheld that Ed had cheated. Technically speaking, no other person on the planet, besides maybe Al, would have been able to pull off what Ed had, so he might have been 'cheating'.

The last date was with Roy again. The two found themselves at a small putt-putt area that had arcades inside and a small go-kart track out back.

"Do you like putt-putt?" Ed asked, nose wrinkled as he held up the small putter.

"I thought you did," Roy said as he took a flaming red ball to match his own putter. Ed stole the ball from him, leaving Roy to take the grey-ish looking ball instead.

"If you don't like it, and _I_ don't like it..." Ed fumed, waving around the hand with the putter in it. "Then why are we here?!"

"Obviously the producers like to see us miserable." Roy sighed. "Let's just get this over with so we can move on."

"Sink every hole in one and get us out of here," Ed said flippantly.

"You say that as if it's possible." Roy scoffed.

"It is."

"What?" Roy looked up from where he was placing his ball, eyes wide.

"It's just simple geometry." Ed shrugged. "Al and I make a game of choosing the hardest courses and the wackiest paths just to out maneuver each other."

"I thought you said that you don't like putt-putt."

"It's only when Winry begs Al to go." Ed huffed, standing on the end of his putter. "I have to keep entertained _somehow_ and Al will never just let me stay home. He says I'll become a hermit if he leaves me alone."

Roy raised an eyebrow and gave his ball a light tap. The ball rolled across the straight path, lined perfectly between two boulders, and slowed gently to a stop at the bottom of the hill. "Given that you spent your one free day grading homework, I can believe it."

Making a noise of outrage, Ed retaliated with a sharp. "Well, you're the one that asked to help! And it didn't get you any extra points!"

"Maybe not points..." Roy smirked, watching Ed place his ball and position his putter. Right as Ed had calculated the trajectory needed to land a hole in one, the bastard finished his thoughts. "But it did get me into your bed."

Ed sputtered and knocked the ball too hard, sending it up and over the rail and into the bushes on the other side. 

"Oh dear," Roy said innocently. "It looks like you missed, Edward."

"Hell no!" Ed shouted, ignoring the judgmental stares of parents who covered their children's ears. "That was a trick! You cheated, _bastard_!"

"Hmm, I don't know what you're talking about." Roy's smirk widened. "I was merely continuing our conversation from before."

"Continuing my _ass_." Ed huffed as he retrieved his ball.

"Don't you have to play it where it lands?" Roy commented.

"First stroke doesn't count." Ed growled, setting the ball down again. They were both silent as Ed measured out the trajectory again.

Just as he brought his putter back to swing, Roy noted. "You do have a nice ass, by the way."

" _Damn it, Roy!_ "

The next several pars when that way, with Roy scoring a little over par and then making comments to mess Ed up. For the first game in his life, Ed never got a hole in one.

On the last hole, Ed placed his ball down and glared at Roy. "What, got nothing to say?"

The bastard grinned. "Are you an angel?"

"No, why?" Ed growled as he lined up his shot. "You a sinner that needs saving?"

"No..." Roy waited until the last minute as Ed was swinging to finish. "Because I'm allergic to feathers."

The ball went right over the rail and into the small pond. Ed turned back with an incredulous look. "What kind of pick up line was _that_!?"

"A horrible one." Roy grinned. "But I won."

"Only because you _cheated_!" Ed hissed, dumping his putter on the counter with a loud clatter. Roy gently set his putter on the counter before following the irate blonde.

"Please, Edward, can't we act like the civilized men we are?" Roy begged teasingly. "Why don't we settle this with a round of go-karts?"

Ed stopped in his tracks and turned to point a finger at Roy's chest. "You ask that we act like adults and then suggest that we fit ourselves into tiny racecars and battle this out _Mad Max_ style. Did I hear that right?"

The bastard's face looked thoughtful before he nodded. "Yes, that is exactly what I said."

Ed threw his hands up in surrender and started over to the go-karts. 

"Although..." Roy continued as he fell into step beside the blonde. "I don't think you need to worry about fitting into a tiny racecar."

" _Who are you calling so small he can't even reach the peddle on go-karts?!_ " Ed seethed, lashing out instinctively.

Roy laughed as he dodged and sprinted ahead. He leapt into the first kart in the lane as Ed made it to the one right behind and the countdown started signaling. Ed quickly belted himself in and figured out the peddles. Right as the light turned green, Ed slammed on the gas and whipped around Roy, tearing into the lead.

He shot a smirk at Roy's dumb face as he went by. 

As he rounded the first bend, his head was quantifying the amount of centripetal force he would have to accumulate in order to keep his kart level when Roy slipped in between him and the inner edge. Ed gawked as Roy waved and covered the blonde in diesel fumes.

Ed cursed under his breath and lifted his foot off the break, slingshotting himself forward. It wasn't enough, however, to get ahead of Roy who was swerving all over the road in an effort to block Ed. Just as the blonde would started to go one way, Roy would drift with perfect precision right into Ed's path. 

On the next turn, Ed nosed forward, putting himself between Roy and the barrier. When the Bachelor's kart came in to turn, he hit Ed instead and was forced out of the way. The blonde cackled as he flew by.

Behind him, Roy’s face was a mask of intense concentration as his kart drifted from side to side. Ed frowned at that. Why was Roy using evasive maneuvers when Ed was already in the lead? Was Roy's car defective?

On the next turn, Ed hugged the curve and looked back as he did. Roy seemed to turn just fine, so was the wheel alignment wrong?

This was going to drive him crazy for the entirety of the race.

Well, as long as Roy wasn't in first, that is. 

The next curve, Ed was too careless and Roy managed to use the same trick Ed had to push his way forward, but the blonde wouldn't be beaten. Instead, he kept them side-by-side, sorely tempted to side ram Roy into a barrier with amount of drifting the brunette was doing. No one would know, right? They would just think Roy took a curve too fast...

The man in charge of the karts was waving for the last round and wow, that was short. Ed was almost disappointed to leave.

Both men started slowing down as they pulled into the station, Roy sliding to a stop before Ed and deftly unbuckling his belt.

"I think I won again." Roy grinned as he offered Ed a hand up.

Ed scowled and ignored his hand. "On what principle?! We both pulled into the station at the same time! And the lap before last, I was in the lead!"

"Ah yes," Roy agreed. "But I was in the lead twice, where as you—!"

"I was in the lead twice too, bastard!" Ed ranted as he hopped out of the kart and stomped out of the station.

"—couldn't pull ahead at the last curve," Roy finished, smugly crossing his arms. "You really should wait until people are finished talking."

"People? Yes. Bastards?" Ed gave him the evil eye. "No."

"I get it, you're still mad." Roy sighed, following the huffy blonde. "How about one more thing and we'll call it done?"

Ed was silent as he stood on the sidewalk, staring at the limo. He could feel the cameraman staring at him through the lenses and wondered, briefly if he had followed them onto the go-karts. Finally, he sighed and glared at Roy. "Arcade, double or nothin'."

"Deal." Roy grinned.

After an hour at the arcade with various games, Ed walked out with empty pockets and his pride returned... well, mostly _("Take that bastard!" "So, double or nothing means… that counts as two wins for you, right?" "Whoo! In your face!" "That means we tied." "... I hate you.")._

After the five dates, Ed had a free day —half of which he spent grading the papers Winry had sent him, the other half he spent goading the Bachelors into doing it for him (totally worked too).

The day after that was a group date on the beach with volleyball being the main activity.

 _Seriously?_ Ed scowled, _Didn't I tell them no more water?!_

At least he didn't have to get _into_ the water this time and could easily avoid it.

The rage that Winry would go into when she saw the sand in his automail joints, was not.

Ed knew why the production crew had chosen volleyball as the group activity. It was a team sport that worked well in both inside and outside conditions, as well as on the beach or otherwise. The beach just happened to allow the Bachelorette to also show off her bikini to the appreciation of her Bachelors… if it were a normal show that is.

Instead, Ed was dressed in the same swim shorts and T-shirt that he’d been in on the day of the pool incident. He was also an extremely competitive person, so instead of traipsing around earning stares, he was trying to figure out what combination of players would give him the best win scenario for doubles, triples, and singles.

He didn’t have enough data to go on, so he would need to play _with_ everyone _against_ everyone in every combination at least once. For doubles, that would be a Choose Two times Choose Two Permutation, to get rid of any repetitive combinations, but still select one side of the field versus the other.

 _Wait, is that right?_ He wondered. _Or is it a Choose Four in this case, since left field versus right field doesn’t matter?_

Agh, statistics like this were never his strong point. Where was his cheat book when he needed it?

As he worked through the math to figure out how many games and in what order they would need to play so that every possible permutation had a chance, the rest of the crew set up. A crowd had started to gather when cameras and filming equipment came out, but the security guards were quick to usher people away. While people were great as background fillers, they didn’t want them ruining any shots.

Soon enough, Ed was leading Kain in a game of doubles against Jean and Vato.

“I don’t know if I can do this…” Kain whispered sullenly as he flinched away from the ball yet again.

“Hey, don’t worry about it!” Ed clapped a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay to be scared of the ball. Tell you what! I’ll break it from their side and you can just set it for me. That way, you’ll know what direction it’s coming from.”

“Really?” Kain turned wide, relieved eyes onto him. “You would do that?”

“Sure!” Ed beamed. “It might get a little air, but it should slow down enough for you.”

“Thank you so much!” Kain beamed right back.

“Yo!” Jean called from the other side of the net. At the teasing face he made, it was obvious he had over heard. “You gonna be able to spike a ball, shorty?”

Ed felt his blood pressure rise. Kain took an involuntary step back.

 _Oh, they were in for it now_.

Sure enough, the next time the ball came to their side, Ed deftly deflected it over to Kain, who shakily set it. He leaned back a little too far, ball going much higher than he had meant to. “Ah! Oh no!”

“Aw yeah!” Jean cheered, getting ready to pass it to Vato. “Here it—?”

A golden streak darted to the net, then flew into the air.

Jean’s eyes went wide as time seemed to hang for a split second. Edward grinned down at him from a jump twice his height, eyes dark and teeth bared.

In the next second, the ball slammed into the sand with a _boof_ of dust.

Silence, then…

“Whoo!” Kain threw his hands up in celebration. “Nice spike, Edward!”

“Not too shabby, huh, soldier-boy?” Ed’s grin was _savage_ as he turned his back on Jean, ponytail whipping with the motion.

“Uh… Havoc?” Vato placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“… I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes,” Jean whispered. “I survived so many situations in the war, but this? This was a brush with death.”

“… I’m gonna get you a water.” Vato gave his shoulder a pat and walked off the field.

And so the games continued, with Ed slowly building his data matrix based on teams already played. He had just tagged out with Breda for the fifth game under the hot sun when he decided a break was in order. The camera crew had a cooler full of water and energy drinks for the Bachelors and staff, along with several reserved cabanas with towels or chairs laid out.

He was just thinking about disappearing under the shade for a while when Ed spotted Mustang lounging about under an umbrella. He was leaned back on his palms with his legs crossed at the ankles out in front of him. He posed like a model, with his button-down shirt undone all the way to the two second-to-last buttons —giving a nice show, but keeping the amount of skin low.

He looked far too poised for Ed to _not_ mess with.

“Just what do you think you’re doing over here?” he asked as he approached. “Aren’t you supposed to sweating it out with the rest of us? And what’s with the shirt?”

“Why sweat when someone else can do the work?” Roy answered back without hesitation. A smug smile played at his lips. “And I would imagine it’s much the same reason that you’re wearing your T-shirt. Wouldn’t want to burn any skin, now would we?”

“Joke’s on you, _I_ don’t burn.” Ed cracked the lid of his bottle and took a long drag. When he pulled the bottle away, he caught Roy’s eyes lifting back up to meet his. Huh. “And wearing it with only two buttons done up, isn’t going to help you out.”

“Maybe I felt like showing off a little,” Roy teased.

“You’re _always_ showing off.” Ed just rolled his eyes and dropped to the towel next to him. The shade was too tempting.

“Is that a compliment I hear?”

“No, it’s not. Your ears are dirty. You should clean them.”

“How rude.”

“But seriously.” Ed nodded to him. “What’s the deal with that? None of the other guys are sporting the old man shirt in this heat.”

“Besides you.” Roy pointed out.

“I’ve got reason to,” Ed said, hand going to his shoulder where metal met flesh. “I think it’s obvious that my arm and leg have been replaced with automail. They act pretty much like normal limbs, but the place where they’re attached… well, let’s just say it’s not safe for TV.”

Roy’s gaze was hot on him as those dark eyes trailed from his face to his shoulder where his collar covered most of the scars. His swim shorts covered in a similar way. They were tight along his thighs, leaving less to the imagination, but clinging tight enough to cover where his left leg ended a hand’s length above his knee. The people in charge of wardrobe really did work wonders.

It didn’t mean Ed didn’t squirm under Roy’s penetrative stare. “Oi, didn’t your mother ever tell you staring is rude?”

“If she did, I was too young to remember,” Roy stated simply, but it left Ed reeling. Because just what kind of answer was tha—and Roy was unbuttoning the last two buttons of his shirt.

The fabric was thin enough to be cool, but thick enough to hide anything beneath it —including a red, puckered scar that took up his entire side, from his ribs down to his hips and his abdominal line over. It still looked fresh, like the damage had been caused sometime last week, though Ed knew better.

He knew scars. This one was years old.

“What the hell did you do?” Ed wondered aloud, then winced. He knew how sensitive subjects like this were. He had been looked at as a freak more than enough to know better, and yet here he was, acting like an insensitive jerk.

“Got trapped behind enemy lines,” Roy said quietly, a self-deprecating smile held in place. “Went back for a civilian, tried to get her out of danger. Turned out, she wasn’t really a civilian.”

“She shove a torch into your side?” Ed asked out of morbid curiosity. “Because that is some third degree stuff right there.”

“No, she just made a couple puncture wounds in me. The burns came from having to cauterize the wounds shut to keep from bleeding out.” Roy paused and blinked before turning to his attention back onto Ed. “Should I be worried that you can identify degrees of fire damage based on _scars_?”

“I’m a very accident prone individual,” Ed replied, tugging his collar down so Roy could see his own damage. It was only fair, after all. “That, and I’ve got a brother who’s an ER surgeon. Work sometimes follows him home.”

“Ah…” Roy nodded, carefully buttoning up his shirt again so that the scar was covered once more. “Well, with you as a brother, I’m sure his bed-side manner is impressive.”

Ed scowled at him, eyes narrowed. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Roy smiled brightly, taunting. “That I’m sure you are _great_ in bed.”

“You _fuckin-?!_ ” Ed roared in anger, even as his face colored in embarrassment. “You and me, volleyball court. Five minutes. I’ll _kick_ _you ass_!”

“I mean, if you want to,” Roy said as he calmly got to his feet. “Although, I would much rather kiss—?”

_“Volleyball court. NOW.”_

Roy just laughed as Ed pushed him towards the other Bachelors. For once, it sounded real.

* * * * *

They only got through half of the data set Ed needed before everyone had to call it quits. The sun was starting to set and most of the beachgoers were starting to pack up and head back in. More were sure to fill their place, though, as a night on the beach was as good a party spot as any. The crew wanted to pack up the film equipment before the rougher crowd trickled in.

A table had been set up on the beach with four roses laid across its white cloth. The roses were held down with pins to keep them from blowing away in the ocean breeze, but the table cloth was allowed to billow dramatically above the darkening sand.

“It’s time, once again, for the giving of the rose,” Ed recited from the cue cards Hughes had made for him. Apparently, the director still hadn’t forgiven Ed’s last Rose Ceremony. It looked like he wouldn’t get to improvise for a while yet. “There are five contestants here, but only four roses. Tonight, one of you will have to leave the house.”

Breda and Vato straightened at the words. Jean canted his hip and Kain gave a little gulp. Roy raised an eyebrow at the dramatics. Ed silently agreed with him.

“Jean, Kain, Breda,” Ed listed off the Bachelors. “Please step forward.”

After a beat of hesitation, each man obeyed. It was hard to tell in the reddening sky, but they looked almost nervous about being singled out. Ed wondered why. They had known each other for two weeks. He couldn’t mean that much to them yet.

“I spent a day with each of you, in a series of wonderful dates. I got to know you and what you like to do and had fun while learning.” Ed paused dramatically like Hughes had coached him. “Which is why each of you will be receiving a rose.”

The three men sagged with relief. It made Ed’s eyebrows raise. Had Hughes been giving them acting lessons too? He decided to dwell on it later.

After Ed had handed each man a rose, he turned to the last two of the group. “Roy, Vato.”

Vato stiffened with nerves. Roy crossed his arms.

“Vato, we’ve had pleasant conversation in the past and our first date was very… educational.” Ed tried not to make a face at the wording. Hughes had had to heavily edit that part of his speech. “I know this week’s date didn’t go as you planned, so I won’t hold it against you.”

Vato gave a stiff nod.

“Roy…” Ed gave a long pause as he tried to remember the words Hughes had coached him on, but honestly, they weren’t _him_. And he needed to sound like Ed, not some flowery script. “I’m going to be honest. You’re a bastard.”

He heard a choking sound from somewhere behind the cameras. A snicker sounded behind him from one of the other three guys.

“That’s fair.” Roy nodded, not sounding the least bit put out.

“You took me on a date that neither of us liked, to start with. Then you _cheated_ at mini-golf and caused me to mess up and _I totally won at go-karts, okay!?_ But you had the nerve to call it a _tie_!” By the end of his little rant, Ed was seething and Hughes was motioning to cut the cameras. He needed to get control fast, if he wanted to finish before Hughes had them redo the scene. After taking a steadying breath, he locked gazes with Roy again. “… which is why you have to stick around, so I can come up with a tie-breaker.”

Roy seemed to be following along, up until the last point. At Ed’s last comment, dark eyebrows went up and pale lips parted as his jaw dropped in surprise.

“Roy Mustang, please step forward and accept your rose,” Ed instructed as he held out the last rose.

A beat of hesitation, as if Roy wasn’t sure he heard him right, then the man stepped forward. He joined the other three, with elbow nudges and claps on the back.

Ed turned to the last man, who stared angrily into the sand. “Vato Falman, I’m sorry. You did not receive a rose tonight.”

The man’s hands clenched into fists, but he gave a solemn nod.

“You are a wonderful guy.” _If a little plain_. Ed wisely didn’t say. “I’m sorry that we didn’t work out.”

“If this is about the date, I swear that pilot was just plain incompetent.”

“It’s because I don’t think we’re compatible. We just aren’t meant for each other,” Ed said honestly. He knew how it felt to be in Vato’s shoes. It made him feel awful to put someone else there. “I wish you the best of luck going forward. Maybe you’ll find someone older, who will fit your age better.”

* * * * *

_ “… How old to you think I am?” _ _Vato hissed into the interview camera. He ran a hand through his grey hair. “Like really! It’s the number one comment I get from everyone! I know I’m going gray a little prematurely, but just how old to I look?!”_

_“Uh… maybe fifty something?” the interview replied._

_“ Fif-!? I’ll have you know that I am only—!”_

* * * * *

Another free day found the Bachelors and Ed sprawled around his room, grading more papers. Roy and Breda were laid out on the bed while Jean and Kain shared a chair and Ed took up most of the floor. The entirety of his students’ homework was spread out around him in mostly neat piles.

With Vato gone, they were down one hand, but they also had less papers because some students had decided to drop the course. Ed felt sad and a bit guilty, but if they couldn’t handle his freshman chemistry, they couldn’t handle everything after it either.

It’s why it was considered a ‘drop-out’ course at the university.

He did comfort himself with the fact that at least they didn’t have to face Russell Tringham for their Organic Chem class. That guy was a prick. And that was coming from _Ed_.

* * * * *

The first date of the next week was between Kain and Ed. Thankfully, the crew seemed to understand that there was only so much they could do with a ‘Radio’ theme for dates and had turned to other alternatives. Unfortunately, they had decided a pet store during a puppy training session was the best time.

Don’t get Ed wrong. He liked animals. Dogs were better than cats in his opinion, even if they required more maintanence. However, the way Kain gushed over the (admittedly adorable) puppies reminded Ed too much of his own brother. He had not come onto a dating show, just to date Al’s dark haired clone.

The date left him feeling awkward and off-kilter the rest of the day.

After the little mistake, the crew ended up sending Breda and Ed on another food themed date. This time, they got to travel the diverse roads of a local cultural festival. The foods were all interesting and hand-made and a lot of them couldn’t be found anywhere else but the fair. With all the walking they did, they more than burned up the calories.

On the plus side, he and Breda also got to sight-see while they tracked down the newest dish. It was still a little repetitive as far as dates went, but Breda managed to make up for it with conversation and funny stories. All-in-all, it wasn’t too bad a day.

The next date was with Jean and they ended up at a paintball arena with a couple other players. Most were Bachelorette crewmen, but a few were local people that liked to play in their free time.

“Another shooting date? I mean, I know I said shooting was a hobby of mind, but…” Jean frowned down at his gun. “What? Do they think I’m some kind of gun enthusiast?”

“Well, from what I know about military men, you usually are.” Ed shrugged as he put on the camo uniform from wardrobe and carefully tied his hair back and under his helmet. He did not need to try rinsing paint out of it tonight. “Besides, you should count yourself lucky. At least, with shooting, we have some options. Laser tag and paintball are fun and active. With Breda, they just had us walking around and eating food. I could almost _feel_ the calories weighing me down.”

“Like, _every_ date?” Jean wrinkled his nose.

“Yup.” Ed nodded. “And Kain and I did radio stuff a lot. This past time they tried to mix it up with a pet store, but… there’s only so much you can do ‘date-wise’ at a pet store.”

Jean stared for a long moment. “… Kain likes dogs?”

“ _Loves_ them,” Ed corrected as he checked his site. “Almost as bad as my brother is with cats. I’m sure he would come home to a half dozen if he could.”

“Huh…” Jean thumbed his chin in thought. “You know… I’ve heard they do make a good stir-fry.”

“Please don’t joke about that.” Ed glared darkly before he finished checking his gear. “We’ve got two minutes until go-time. Any words of advice?”

“Stay low, keep close to cover. Don’t stand still for too long. If you have to cross a field, don’t do it in a straight line. And most importantly…” Jean clapped a hand onto his shoulder, smile wide on his face. “Don’t get shot.”

“No _shit_.” Ed rolled his eyes. Jean just laughed.

Soon, the bell rang out and signaled the start of their game.

It was interesting and something Ed had never done before. The members of the crew were clueless, but the other players were _professionals_. They rounded up the crew with little effort and took them out execution style before the first five minutes were up. Ed wasn’t sure how the footage would turn out for the date, but he knew they had plenty of other film to make cuts with.

As long as he kept close to Jean, he figured they’d get something useful.

The course was a standard field with structures that looked like burnt out rubble. There wasn’t any actual fire and no acrid smoke filled the air, so Ed knew it was all for the atmosphere. He’d even tapped on the walls experimentally, finding them to be a highly durable polyurethane structure, painted and textured to look real. It was a fake, but a good fake.

Maybe _too_ good of one.

They had just ducked inside of a fake house when Ed saw white smoke start to fill the air.

“Smoke?” His gave a tentative sniff. It didn’t smell like charcoal. It smelled more chemical in nature, like something he might cook up in his lab to entertain starry-eyed freshmen. It was a mixture commonly found in flares and smoke grenades —not pleasant, but not dangerous.

“Hey.” Ed nudged Jean. “Are they allowed to use fla-?”

He turned to find himself staring down the barrel of a gun. On the other side, Jean stared him down, eyes wide and hazy, breath coming far too quick for just running around. Jean was a fit individual. He hadn’t broken a sweat this far into the game, unlike Ed. For him to have such trouble breathing, it must have been…

A flashback.

“Jean…” He slowly raised his hands in surrender. Jean’s finger tightened on the trigger. “Jean, it’s me. It’s Edward.”

The entirety of Jean’s body shook, all but his hands which remained steady and in control.

 _Come on, think! Think, Edward, think!_ Ed bolstered himself. He could figure this out. Paintball guns weren’t meant to be deadly, but a blow at point blank right into one of his eye sockets would be no walk in the park. He really didn’t want his tombstone to read ‘Here lies Ed, killed by paint on the set of the Bachelorette’. No, if he was going out, it would be fighting a _bear_ or something equally cool but ridiculous.

A glint of silver caught his eye. Around Jean’s neck hung a pair of rounded rectangles —dog tags. From his position and their orientation, he could just make out…

“Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc,” Ed barked out. “Stand down.”

With a jolt, Jean lowered his gun, eyes blinking rapidly.

“Report,” Ed ordered.

“Infiltrated enemy camp, sir. Got separated from the team. Johnson was sent to radio in and he didn’t come back. I went to find him…” Jean shook his head and rubbed a hand against one of his ears. He blinked again and squinted at Ed. “… Edward? What are you doing here…?”

“Where is here, Jean?” Ed asked, nervously. Jean was at least recognizing him, but he wasn’t sure they were out of the woods yet.

“On the front lines… Secret mission… out in…” Jean trailed off as he looked around. He frowned. “This isn’t…? Where are we?”

“We’re on a paintball course for our date on the Bachelorette,” Ed said quietly. He reached out hesitantly. “Are you with me now?”

“Yeah, I… yes?” Jean shook his head and looked back to Ed, blinking. “Did I go somewhere?”

“I… think you had a flashback,” Ed explained. “Bad reaction to the situation.”

“Aw, _fuck_ ,” Jean hissed vehemently. He drew a hand down his face, suddenly looking exhausted.

“Do you… want to head in?” Ed asked. He had posed it as a question, but he half-way decided he would need to call off the date himself.

He was proved correct when Jean shook his head frantically, eyes wide and panicked. “No! No, I can keep going! It’s fine! We can finish the date!”

“Jean…” Ed frowned. “You held a gun to my head.”

“I—?!” Jean startled violently. He looked down at the rifle in his hand, nearly dropping it with the way his fingers shook.

“I’m calling it,” Ed decided. “We’re heading in.”

“But… the date…” Jean said miserably.

“Will continue,” Ed assured him. “Just not here. We’ll go do something else.”

“You… you still want to?” Jean’s brow knit together in confusion. “Even after… _that_?”

“Hey, I’ve got my own demons. It would be hypocritical of me to reject you for them.” Ed dug out the white flag from his pack. They had each been given one for the sole reason of leaving the game at any point. It granted them safe passage to an end gate without enemy or ally fire. Ed hadn’t been sure they’d need it, but it was good to know they had it on hand. “You can blame me if the crew gets huffy. I’m fine with taking the fall.”

“No, it’s on me. I’ll take the blame.” Despite the sad words, Jean still looked hopeful. And when they left the battlefield, he seemed to recover some of the energy he’d lost.

They still ended up at a movie theater with a sappy rom-com playing on the screen.

Surprisingly enough, Hughes didn’t complain about the change of venue, even though the low lighting was terrible for the crew filming. It almost seemed like he… _understood_. Like there was something going on in his head other than the show… well, the show and the billions of pictures of his wife and daughter.

Ha, _that_ would be a sight to see.

After Jean was the date with Roy. Ed wondered, briefly, if someone had it out for Roy to have the last date every week.

He also wondered if the producer just pulled random date ideas out of a hat, because this day found the two of them standing in front of a bar, close to sun down. The front door boasted a trivia night, one they were just in time to attend.

“How do we keep getting such weird dates?” Ed muttered with a scowl. “Have they even seen us drink?”

“Well, we did at that one pool party.” Roy frowned. “The one where Envy-?”

“Pushed me in, yeah. I remember.” Ed scowled. “But other than that?”

“Other than that, no,” Roy agreed. “But you do have quite a decorated education. Perhaps they thought alcohol plus trivia would make for an entertaining night.”

“Well, obviously, they’ve never met you.” Ed rolled his eyes. “I bet you’re a light weight that can’t drink anything but mimosas.”

“Hmmm… Is that a wager, I hear?” Roy grinned down at Ed. “Because I can’t help but think you wouldn’t be able to finish more than one drink. What with how sma—?”

Ed grabbed Roy’s collar and dragged him down to his level. “Finish that sentence and I’ll make sure a hangover is the least of your worries.”

“… Noted.” Roy blinked at him, a little wide-eyed.

“Good.” Ed gave him a shove to push him back to his feet.

Roy took a moment to fix his shirt and hair before smiling at his companion. “You have a lot of fire for a diminutive volume.”

Ed’s eyebrow twitched. “ _Did you just—?!”_

“I think we should hurry in if we want to get seats close to each other,” Roy suggested. He grabbed hold of Ed’s hand and towed him along behind as he forged a way through the crowds.

“Maybe I don’t want to sit close to you!” Ed complained. “Maybe I want to sit as far away from you as possible!”

“Ah, but then…” Roy shot him a sly look over his shoulder. “How would you make sure I kept up my end of the bet?”

“Bet?” Ed reiterated. “What bet?”

“Who can drink more, of course,” Roy stated as he dragged the two of them to the last open chairs in the joint. The crew was still going about collecting waivers for people to appear on screen, but they would be setting up soon enough and the show would get underway.

“There’s no fun in that.” Ed scowled. “It’s all based on genetics, anatomy and physiology, and previous history with alcohol. It’s a numbers game, and not one I’d be confident in betting over.”

“Oh?” Roy looked mildly surprised. “That’s a very scientific approach to it. Then… how about this?”

He leaned in, chin tucked down just enough to look at Ed through his stupidly long lashes. “For every question you get right, I will take a drink. For every question _I_ get right, _you_ will take a drink. That way, the deciding factor —number of correct questions —is unknown and we have equal opportunity to win.”

“You realize you’re betting on a trivia game with a _three-doctorate-holding-professor_.” Ed pointed out.

“You realize this is a _trivia_ game, not a _science fair_.” Roy quirked a brow.

And, okay, that was fair.

“Go get me a drink,” Ed ordered. “Some of the good stuff! I’m drinking for taste, not to get hammered.”

“Your wish is my command.” Roy gave a little bow before ducking away towards the bar.

“What are you, a freaking _genie_?” Ed grumbled his complaint. He was vaguely glad Roy didn’t hear it. He’d probably come back with some stupid pick-up line like ‘I can’t be, otherwise I’d break the second rule and make you fall in love with me.’

Yeah, something stupid like that.

Ed rubbed at his cheeks in embarrassment and took a moment to scan the bar.

It was a nice place, pretty well lit, not like any of the dives Ed was used to from his college days. The furniture was a little tacky, but sturdy as hell. If someone decided to grab one of the chairs as a weapon, they might actually succeed in killing a man.

Ed decided he liked this place.

“What is it?” Roy asked as he appeared at his other side, two glasses in hand. One had a dark brew that had a bold fragrance, while the other held some amber liquid that might have been whiskey. He placed the dark brew in front of Ed. “You look amused. Care to share with the class?”

“You _wish_ you could keep up with my class.” Ed bared his teeth in a grin. “I was just thinking about how the furniture here could probably be used as lethal weapons.”

Roy opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. Obviously, he hadn’t been expecting that from Ed. He took a minute to glance down at his own chair and scoot it slightly before nodding absently. “It is quite sturdy.”

“Isn’t it?” Ed took a small sip of his drink. Enough to get a taste, but not too big to put him at a disadvantage to Roy. Hmm… it tasted good. Would go better with some hot wings.

“Tell me.” Roy leaned on his arm, twisting his body to face Ed. “Do you always look for weaponry in the most ordinary of objects?”

Ed grimaced. “When you’ve grown up with Winry and Teacher, it becomes a habit.”

“Winry?”

“My brother’s girlfriend. She’s a gearhead that likes to use wrenches as projectiles, along with any other odds-and-ends she can find.”

“Ah… and Teacher?”

Ed stared hard into his drink. “The most terrifying woman you’ll ever meet.”

Before Roy could ask any follow-up questions, the owner of the bar called everyone to attention to explain the rules of the trivia night. It didn’t take long before the barkeep ordered a ‘good, clean fight’ to which the rest of the bar-goers gave a rowdy cheer. Seemed like some of them were already well on their way to a hang-over in the morning.

When the first round of trivia came, Ed cheerfully called out the correct answer and shot a smug look over to Roy. The other man just smiled coolly and took a sip of his drink. Ed frowned as he watched the Roy’s Adams Apple bob.

It was like he hadn’t even _tried_ to answer the question.

The same thing happened for the next three questions, until the fourth one had Ed calling out the wrong answer.

“Fuck you! Pluto is a planet!” Ed shouted, to a cheer from half the bar inhabitants.

“I believe that’s a drink for you,” Roy said with a subtle push of Ed’s glass.

Ed’s eyes narrowed. “I think it was correct answers only.”

“Ah, but that wasn’t a correct answer, was it?” Roy raised an eyebrow. At Ed continued obstinacy, Roy’s grin grew, tauntingly. “What? Scared of a little alcohol? I’ve already had a few sips and _I’m_ doing fine. I mean, it’s all right if you can’t handle it…”

“Fuck you,” Ed hissed. “I can handle it!”

And so incorrect answers were added to the game.

It made Ed slow down a bit, think a bit harder on the questions. Roy ended up answering one or two faster than Ed could get out. His grumpy glare was just met with a smile and innocent blink until he took his sip.

At a particularly tough question, Ed looked over to see Roy hesitating. “What happens if we don’t know the answer?”

“Hmm…” Roy scratched his chin. “I guess it could go one of two ways. We could both drink, as if it were incorrect, or we could both abstain. In the favor of _not_ getting alcohol poisoning, I think-?”

“We’re drinking.” Ed decided, brain already a little fuzzy. Man, this was good stuff. And it tasted great too. He slung back the dregs of his drink.

“… All right then.” Roy said as he slung back the rest of his own drink. “I’ll got get us some more.”

“Hurry back!” Ed ordered him. “If you’re not here, I’ll definitely say I got it right!”

“No, you won’t!”

No, he wouldn’t. Ed was competitive by nature, but he liked games fair and square… for the most part.

Soon enough, Roy returned with their drinks, to which they each had to take a sip since Ed got one question right and wrong. As he felt the world go a little fuzzier, Ed wondered how long he could hold out. And if it would be longer than Roy.

Several more round go by, with the questions getting increasingly harder to answer (at least, to Ed.) After another question answered correctly by him, he looked over to glare at Roy.

“Why aren’t you drunker?” Ed demanded, louder than he had intended. “I’ve been right more times than you!”

“You have,” Roy agreed with an amused smirk. He took a sip of his drink, his third now, to Ed’s second, but Ed was quickly starting to catch up.

Ed narrowed his eyes. “You haven’t been drinking.”

“I promise you.” Roy’s smile grew. “Every time you have called a correct answer before me, I have taken a sip.”

“Then why aren’t you drunk?!” Ed pointed a wobbly finger at his face. It ended up pointing at where the other’s elbow rested on the table, but that was besides the point.

“Partly because I grew up in a bar, raised by my aunt. And partly because this isn’t whiskey.” Roy held up his glass in reference. “It’s apple juice.”

“The fuck it is!” Ed yelled and grabbed the glass from him. The first sip was shocking, mainly because it _wasn’t_ what he was expecting. “The fuck? It is!”

“Have I told you before that I just love the way expletives change meaning just by your tone of voice?” Roy asked sweetly as he rested his chin in the cradle of his laced fingers.

Ed glared at him. “You’re too sober for this.”

“I think the correct phrase is ‘I’m too sober for this’.”

“That’s exactly what I said.” Ed turned before Roy could try to twist his words more. “Bartender! Get this asshole a drink! And not a pansy one!”

“Apple juice is not a ‘pansy’ drink—!”

“It is in a drinking contest!”

“Well, maybe I just don’t want to come out of the night too drunk to stand.”

“It’s the rules of the bet! If I’m bobbin’ and weavin’, so are you!” Ed said, determined. The bartender sat a shot glass down in front of Roy. “Now, drink up!”

Roy made a face at the beverage. Ed wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but he could smell the alcohol content from where he sat. Good.

“I blame you for this,” Roy said before he took the glass in hand.

“Blame me for what?”

“Everything that happens from this point on.” Then he threw back his head and downed the drink. He didn’t immediately start coughing, so Ed figured he had some experience with shots before, but his nose did screw up cutely at the taste.

Wait, cute-?

“ _What is the longest continental mountain range in the world?”_

And they were off again.

Roy was more of a sport about it this time, now that he had something to lose. He was quicker on the draw, though not always correct in his answer. His win ratio only decreased as time went on and alcohol levels rose, but Ed couldn’t say it wasn’t the same for him.

By the time the trivia was done for the night, both were thoroughly sloshed.

“I win!” Ed giggles as he flopped over onto Roy’s shoulder. They both started to sag to the floor before Roy managed to right himself. He over compensated a little and nearly flung Ed off the other side of the stool, but that was okay. Ed knew how to bull ride.

“I don’t think there’s a winner in this game,” Roy said slowly, the words taking a considerable amount of effort to get out. He burped and made a face. “Come morning, both of us lose.”

“Nope! I win!” Ed insisted. “I got a head start because you pussy-footed around! I consumed more alcohol, so I win!”

“Aren’t you the PhD? Isn’t consuming _more_ alcohol bad?”

“Nah, think of it like golf. Or, no, baseball? Football! Think of it like football!”

“…We’re supposed to tackle each other to drink?” Oh, drunk Roy was fun! “This is news to me.”

Ed snorted and took a sip of his drink. They had switched over to water on the last round of trivia. They didn’t _actually_ want to die after all. “Only way real men run sports. By tackling each other and potentially giving the other a grievous head injury.”

Roy looked thoroughly perturbed. “But you need your head. How will you PhD otherwise?”

Ed snorted. “PhD? Did you just make an acronym a verb?”

Roy blinked, then looked very disappointed in himself. “No.”

“You did!” Ed giggled. “You totally did!”

“I did not,” Roy said, trying to act all prim and proper. He failed when he started to lean too far to the side. “Drink your water. And stop laughing at me!”

“No way!” Ed giggled and leaned into him again. He did obediently take a gulp of his water though. He knew his brain would thank him in the morning. “So, early you said you were raised in a bar. Any good stories?”

“Not as such no.” Roy shook his head, then immediately regretted it, if the green pallor of his cheeks was anything to go by. “I wasn’t allowed onto the floor until I was of legal age to work. Then I only stuck around two years before heading into the Corps.”

Ed gave a disappointed hum. “Shame. Sounds like that kind of childhood would have a lot of fun stories with it.”

“I… will admit. It wasn’t the most conventional of childhoods…” Roy swirled the water in his glass. His eyes looked a little hazy, but from alcohol or nostalgia, Ed didn’t know. “Aunt Chris was never really a mother figure, but she did her best. She took me in when I had no one, raised me to respect people of all race and genders, and pushed me to always strive for the best. I wouldn’t be half the man I am today without her.”

Ed stared into his own glass, faded memories of pale skin and dark braided hair swimming in his mind. “She sounds… really nice.”

“And you?” Roy asked, draining the last of his water and looking over to where Ed was still leaning on him. “What about your childhood?”

“Didn’t have much of one. Dad fucked off when I was three. Al and I stayed with Mom until a car accident took her from us, along with my arm and leg. Al ended up in a coma for a few years while his body mended.” Ed swallowed thickly before continuing. “The Rockbells took us in. Winry and Al and I had always been close. They outfitted me with some new parts and, when Al woke up, got him through physical therapy. Without them… I’m not sure Al and I would be alive today.”

Roy was silent for a long moment. Then he shifted to lay an arm around Ed’s shoulders, pulling him in closer. “We have a lot to be thankful for.”

“Yeah,” Ed said quietly. “Yeah, we do.”

He finished his drink and set the glass on the table.

* * * * *

The next day found Ed moaning in bed from his hang-over. Roy, on the other hand, was up bright and early, chipper as if he hadn’t replaced a tenth of his blood with liquor. (Was it a tenth? What was the fatal blood alcohol level? Ed didn’t know and his brain hurt too much to care.)

Luckily for Ed, though, the group date was bowling, meaning they could head out at any time and still have plenty of light to film by.

His data set of permutations would be far easier to build this time, given that everyone’s score was easily decided and general talent didn’t deviate too much in a night.

There was the factor of exhaustion to factor in. It wouldn’t be much to start, but as the night wore on, people’s scores were bound to drop… or rise as they hit their stride. It would be interesting to see who fell into each category.

And of course, there was the last deciding factor of…

“Bumpers!” Ed threw his hands up at the disgrace of a lane that greeted him. “We need bumpers! On this lane only! The other lane can be without, but bumpers are necessary for the data set!”

“Bumpers?” Breda scratched his head. “Aren’t those for little kids?”

Kain looked down in shame behind him, but Ed just turned a dark grin towards the red-head.

“Bumpers can be used as geometric reflection points to send the ball to the center of the pins. It adds a whole new level of difficulty to the playing field.” Ed bared his teeth in a tight grin. “They are _not_ for children.”

Breda swallowed thickly and raised his hands in surrender.

“Not _just_ for children,” Roy corrected. Before Ed could get mad at the comment, Roy turned his attention to the alley. “I do see your reasoning though. It would be quite interesting to see how that changes the game play.”

“I mean, you can put them up, but I’ll probably just roll the ball straight. I don’t do any of that…” Jean waved a hand towards the end of the lane. “ _Math_ stuff.”

“Your loss.” Ed shrugged and went to go get an attendant to lift the bumpers.

Soon, each alley had their names on the screen, with the first player lit up for play. All of the names were shifted off by one, so that two people could bowl at the same time and they could finish both games simultaneously. It didn’t leave a lot of time to mingle, as there were only three people between each turn, but Ed still found time to chat with the other guys and throw around banter like it was going out of style.

“Yes! ‘Nother strike!” Ed cheered as he turned towards the others and strutted back to his seat. “Someone beat _that_.”

The sound of another strike played through the area, making Ed’s gaze jump back to the lane he had just vacated.

“I think Roy just did,” Kain remarked, pointing to where Roy was wiping off his hand and glancing up at the screen.

“Wha—? How did—?” Ed sputtered.

“You’re right. The bumpers make it a lot easier.” Roy flashed him a smile. “Especially when you pick out such a good spot for me. It’s all too easy to follow your aim.”

Ed scowled. “Stop copying me! That’s not how the game is played!”

“I don’t see that in the rule book anywhere.”

“Oh, I’ll _rule book_ _you_ , all right!”

The argument prompted a laughter from the other three, Kain and Jean leaning close together and Breda slapping his thigh.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the camera crew watching their every move, Ed could almost imagine this whole date as a guys’-night-out. Just friends having fun and throwing hands, like normal people his age did.

It was… nice.

They ended up playing four games total, ending the last just as their time on the lanes ran out.

“Read ‘em and weep, boys!” Ed proclaimed as he threw down the printed scores from the lane with the bumpers. He had gotten a perfect score on every round, beautiful X’s in a line. He would frame the score card, if not for the fact he already had three others just like it.

What could he say? Bumpers rocked.

“Hey, I think we should be able to take an average from both score cards!” Jean complained.

“We can take an average, but…” Ed scanned over the four score cards. “You didn’t do so hot, Jean. On either of them.”

“I… I was just off my game tonight, okay!” Jean huffed and crossed his arms.

Kain laughed and nudged him with his shoulder. “It’s okay to not be great at everything. It just means you’re human.”

“Sure, _you_ say that,” Jean grumbled, gesturing to Ed’s two perfect score cards. “ _You_ got a spare or strike every time!”

Kain shrugged. “What can I say? Geometry is easy for me.”

“Well, I can’t really complain about my score.” Breda tapped at the other two score cards. “Got spares on every one of the normal lane’s rounds. I probably would have done the same on the one with bumpers, if I didn’t try to get all fancy like Ed and Roy.”

“Speaking of…” A pale hand plucked the two score cards from Ed’s grip and held them up beside the two from the table. “I think I win overall. Perfect strikes on both lanes, every game.”

“It doesn’t count!” Ed huffed. “You cheated! You watched where I sent the ball!”

“Knowing where to send it doesn’t make it any easier to roll it the right way with the right power.” Roy’s grin widened. “Admit it. I’m just that good.”

Ed gritted his teeth… but it was true. Even if he knew where to send it, actually getting the physics to obey him was another matter entirely. It was really quite impressive.

Not that Ed would ever tell him that.

“And I believe…” Roy set the four card back on the table and slid them towards Ed. “That brings us back to a tie.”

Another tie? What was he…?

“ _Mother fucker_ ,” Ed hissed under his breath. Roy just winked and sauntered back to his seat.

“Okay guys!” Hughes called from where he had been accosting an employee behind the ball counter. He not-so-subtly tucked his wallet into his pocket, pictures of Gracia and Elicia. “We’ve got a private room set up for the Rose Ceremony. Everybody up!”

Soon enough, they were all standing in a room with a table with roses, the doors closed, and the lighting poised _just so_.

Ed leaned against the Rose table, arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently. The Bachelors were gathered in front of him, making small talk as they waited for the final go-ahead from Hughes. Ed glared at the side of Roy’s head. As if sensing eyes on him, Roy looked over and gave a little finger wave.

Ed bared his teeth to cover up the red flush on his cheeks.

“—And three, two one—!” Hughes called. “Action!”

“Welcome, once again to the Rose Ceremony,” Ed said, knowing the words by rote now. “It’s the time of week where we see who has managed to persuade my heart, and who will be leaving us today.”

The Bachelors shuffled around to face him in a line. The camera panned across each of their faces, nervous, hopeful, and smug.

“Roy Mustang. Please step forward,” Ed said through clenched teeth. Roy’s smug smile was far too wide as he stepped up in front of the others. “As you so… _helpfully_ pointed out, we still haven’t broken our tie.”

“What can I say?” Roy tossed his head to the side, bangs falling gently into place. “I guess I’m a… _little_ competitive.”

Anger surged in Ed, but he managed to hold it back. That didn’t stop him from throwing Roy’s flower at him with a snappy. “Take your rose and scram!”

Roy caught the rose… with his _teeth_ , then shot the camera a seductive look before walking over to stand behind Ed. As he passed, his hand reached out to brush against Ed’s wrist, startling a jump out of the other. At Ed’s choked off sound of surprise, Roy laughed. Face red, Ed glared after him, wrist held in his other hand. He was starting to regret his decision already.

“Kain Fuery,” Ed called next, wanting to get the worst over with. “Please step forward.”

Can did so, shoulders hunched nervously, but with a smile on his face.

“Kain, you are one of the smartest people on the show, smartest of the bachelors for sure and I really like that in a man,” Ed started easily. “You’re quiet, but get lively when something interest you. You’re brave to come on the show, even though you have social anxiety. You are an admirable person and a friend to animals. You remind me of my own brother… and that’s why I can’t give you a rose tonight.”

Kain’s face fell into confusion.

“You are a great person —don’t let this night tell you that you aren’t! But you aren’t the right person for me,” Ed finished softly. “I hope, after all this, we can still be friends.”

Kain’s eyes had started to water half-way through. His lip quivered as Ed held out a hand, but he forced himself straight. He wiped his eyes and grasped Ed’s hand, letting out a startled squeak when Ed pulled him into a hug.

“I know there is someone out there for you, who will treasure you like you should be,” Ed whispered quietly. “Who knows? He might be closer than you think.”

Kain stiffened in his arms, then buried his face in Ed’s shirt and held on tightly. After he had taken a moment to collect himself, he pulled away with a quiet. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry it had to be this way,” Ed replied.

Kain shook his head in denial and pasted a smile on his face. As he waved to the others, his eyes lingered on Jean and in that instance, Ed made the connection.

Memories of Jean and Kain came to the forefront of his mine —of them talking and playing volleyball, of them sitting in his room as they graded and even of that night, with them leaning against each other over the uncomfortable bowling booths.

_There is someone out there for you._

Ed was more right than he knew.

In the next instance, Kain turned away, following the cameraman for his final interview.

All eyes were on Ed once again. He took a moment to shake himself from his revelation and grab the last two roses.

“Jean Havoc, Breda Heymans,” Ed called them forward. He held a rose out to each. “You will be joining me in the mansion for one more week.”

“Yes!” Jean pumped a fist and took his rose. Breda looked a little surprised, but hopeful. They both congregated around Roy, who had his rose out of his mouth and tucked into his shirt pocket.

Ed looked over to Hughes, how made a familiar motion. Oh. Right.

“Don’t get too comfortable.” Ed couldn’t help a mischievous grin from pulling at his lips. “This week will be the last, whether you win the rose or not! With the candidates narrowed down, I will choose one of you by the end of the week to bestow the key to my heart. Do your best, guys.”

“A week?” Roy sauntered forward, smug grin in place. He leaned in close to Ed, forcing the other to take a step back. What was he doing? This wasn’t in the script!

A hand came up to tuck his bangs behind his ear. Dark eyes danced with mirth. “One week is all I need.”

Then he pulled away to rejoin the other Bachelors, ignoring the affronted gasps and glares. Wait a minute, where was his rose…?

Ed felt an extra weight at his ear. He brought a hand up, only to find soft petals under his fingers. His cheeks flushed in embarrassment and annoyance.

“You aren’t supposed to give this back!”

* * * * *

_“One week?” Ed complained to the interviewer. “One week, he says! Can you believe that? Well, I’ve got news for him! It’s been four weeks already! If it only took one week, shouldn’t I have been ‘seduced’ or whatever, three weeks ago?!”_

* * * * *

_“He said that?” Roy laughed after the interviewer finished recounting the Bachelorette’s interview. “That’s hilarious! Edward is so charming!”_

_“But you don’t see it the same way?”_

_“Of course not. ‘It’s been four weeks already’…” Roy sent a sultry look towards the camera. “What makes him think I haven’t already seduced him?”_

* * * * *

_“I think this whole experience has made me better as a person,” Kain said to the interviewer. “I mean, I made it all the way to the second to last round! And I thought I’d be the first voted off! A lot of us did.”_

_“So do you see using your new-found confidence to find someone of your own?”_

_Kain blushed and scratched at his cheek. “Well… maybe. I might give it some time though. I met a lot of nice guys here. More than I was expecting. I think I’ll take a bit of time to myself, reevaluate what I want, before I get back out there.”_

_“What you want…” The interviewer paused as Kain looked up. “Does it have a name already?”_

_“Wh-what?!” Kain flushed darkly._

_“You know, some of the other Bachelors have mentioned that you got pretty close with—!”_

_“N-no comment!” Kain shouted over them. “Is the interview over? It was nice talking with you! I have to go!”_

* * * * *

_“Am I sad that Kain left?” Jean scratched at the back of his head. “Of course I am. He was my roomie. Now I’m stuck with smug-ass Roy **.** I mean, no offense to the guy, but Kain was better. He was quiet and shy and took a little to get him talking, but once you got him going –man, just let him go!”_

_“So you admit you like Kain better than Roy?” The interviewer questioned._

_“Yeah, I guess so…” Jean scratched at his chin. “Though I think Roy takes some getting used to for… a lot of people.”_

_“Would you say you felt something… special for Kain?”_

_“Special?” Jean looked at the interviewer, eyes swimming in confusion. “Like what?”_

_“Like… um… L-Like…?”_

_“Huh?”_

* * * * *

The next free day found them grading in Ed’s room, down another set of hands. Well, technically two.

“Really, he just falls asleep on top of the essays,” Breda grumbled as he tried to edge the pages out from under Jean.

“Don’t be too hard on the guy,” Roy said quietly. “He’s been up at all hours of the night for the past few days.”

“Has he?” Breda paused and frowned in thought. “I didn’t notice. I’ve always slept like a rock.”

“He has,” Roy confirmed. “I share a room with him now that Kain’s left. I don’t remember it being a problem before, but I’ve woken up several times to him staring me down in the middle of the night. Or I’ll find him in the kitchen at 2 am, sharpening knives.”

“Is he an insomniac?” Breda asked. “Or is he like that other guy… Envy? The one who left first.”

“No, I don’t think it’s intentional.” Roy frowned. “It seems more like…”

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Ed explained. “Soldiers and other people who have been in traumatic situations can experience episodes, panic attacks, insomnia and a number of other symptoms. Jean was a soldier before he switched jobs. He had a dissociative episode during one of our dates. Likely, he has some things from his past following his nightmares.”

“You know about PTSD?” Roy looked surprised.

“When you’ve been in an accident that takes away half your limbs and leaves your brother in a coma, you pick up a few things.”

Roy fell silent before he straightened. “I apologize. I had not realized your intelligence translated to fields other than your doctorates.”

Ed felt slightly miffed, but he knew there were other PhDs that had absolutely no common sense. So he couldn’t fault Roy for his evaluation. “No problem. It’s not your faul—!”

“You are as smart as you are good looking,” Roy finished, much to Ed’s sputtering protest.

Breda gave him a disapproving look. “I thought we agreed that grading time was off-limits to flirting.”

“Ah, apologies. I forgot.”

“Wait, what?” Ed looked between the two. “When did you guys decide this?”

“During down time.” Roy raised an eyebrow at him. “You realize that all the ‘Bachelors’, so to speak, live in the same wing of the house?”

Ed gave him a baleful look. “… Does the production crew not get how ‘liking men’ works? Like, sexually?”

“I don’t think so.” Breda gave a shrug. “On the other hand, I can’t say any of these guys were my type.”

“Nor mine.” Roy looked thoughtful. “Though Kain might have been close…”

“If Jean didn’t take up all his time,” Breda agreed with a look to the sleeping blonde.

“So you guys saw it too?” Ed’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Granted, in most social situations, Ed was the _last_ to know. So he shouldn’t be surprised.

“Please.” Roy rolled his eyes. “They weren’t the _least_ _bit_ subtle.”

Abruptly, Jean yawned and stretched.

“Morning sleeping beauty.” Roy reached over and dragged a hand roughly through his hair. “How was your nap?”

“Stop that!” Jean batted at him, then wiped at his eyes. “It was good… I feel like someone was talking about me.”

“What? Noooo.” Breda rolled his eyes. “No way.”

“Perish the thought,” Roy added.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know!” Ed snickered.

Jean stared, wide-eyed as the other three laughed. “I am definitely missing something.”

“Just go back to sleep if you’re tired,” Ed offered as he turned back to his work. “I heard the past couple nights haven’t been nice to you.”

“They have not,” Jean agreed with a grimace. He made a space amidst the grading piles and laid back down again. “Wake me up when you guys are done.”

“Will do,” Breda agreed.

“And in the meantime, we’ll use you as a table for our papers.”

“… If I wake up under a mountain of homework, I _will_ come after you, Roy.”

“ _If_ you can find me, that is.”

Ed just laughed and shook his head. Honestly, all these guys were wonderful. Kain and Vato included, even though he hadn’t had a lot in common with them. It was a shame they met on this dating show. They likely wouldn’t keep in touch afterwards.

As he took up the pile of essays, he ignored the quiet part of his mind which noted that Jean’s nightly episodes had only come to light after Kain had left. As if, maybe, the other had been key in keeping Jean from wandering the mansion in the dark.

Another part of him questioned how often Roy had found Jean and why, exactly, he had been up in the first place. But that part was even smaller and quieter than the one that worried about Jean, so he effectively ignored it and turned his focus onto grading.

* * * * *

Breda was the first of the dates again and, for once, it seemed like the production crew had a _good_ idea for a date.

The day found Breda and Ed walking into a kitchen at a local culinary college, camera crew in tow. Turns out, the entire place had been rented for them for the day, the students out on their break for the week. The spacious work area let Breda really strut his stuff as the high-grade chef he had trained to be.

Soon, they had a pork roast in the oven, desserts chilling in the fridge, and mushrooms marinating in juices and herbs. They were just starting on fresh made ‘artisan’ bread when Breda turned the subject off of cooking.

“I need to come clean,” Breda said, wrist deep in dough.

Ed blinked and looked up from where he was pounding his ball of fiber and oils into a paste. The words sounded ominous to say the least. “Okay? From what?”

“The reason I came onto this show,” Breda clarified. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect to get this far. I know I’m not exactly the ‘every-man’s-type’ kind of guy, so I thought I’d be voted off in the first episode or two.”

“What can I say?” Ed laughed. “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Breda chuckled at that, the tension breaking over him.

“But if you don’t mind me asking…” Ed gave him a curious look. “If you had such low opinions, why try in the first place?”

“Well, there is that saying of ‘miss every shot you don’t take’, but the larger reason…” At this, Breda’s face reddened in embarrassment. “I thought the show would work well as free advertising.”

 _Free advertising_? What did that even mean?

“I told you that I started my own restaurant when I got fed up with the ‘fine-dining’ establishments.” Breda kept his gaze on the dough he was working. “Well, my friend and I, we’re having trouble getting business drummed up. We had this crazy idea to go on a couple shows and try to get some free advertising for the restaurant before we got voted off. That way we’d get some recognition even if we didn’t win —a consolation prize, you know?”

In all honesty, it was a pretty good business plan, Ed had to admit. He didn’t exactly like the fact that Breda was basically using him to bolster sales, but if he were in Breda’s place, Ed might have done the same.

And it wasn’t like Breda had skimped out on trying. He was a good guy with lots of good ideas, even if most of them centered on food. Ed couldn’t see them working out in the long run, but they could definitely be friends if this whole Bachelorette thing didn’t work out.

So Ed couldn’t find it in himself to be mad. In fact, he only had one question in mind… “Did it work?”

“Huh?” Breda finally looked up, eyes wide in surprise.

“The free advertisement thing,” Ed reminded him. “Did it work?”

Breda blinked before breaking out into full-bellied laughter. “I come clean about something I’ve been hiding for the _entire show_ , how I’ve been using your search for love to promote my business –and you don’t even care?”

“Hey! I’m not exactly thrilled about being a side hustle, but I can’t argue with ingenious business practices,” Ed grumbled, scowling at the red head. “But I’m really curious about how profitable it was.”

“Hmmm… I’ll have to get back to you on that.” Breda grinned, a lot lighter now that his secret was out. “After all, this season hasn’t aired yet. They still have to make edits and stuff.”

“Where were you even advertising?” Ed asked, curious now. He didn’t have an inkling of what the other man had been doing. Then again, Al and Winry often called him dense as a rock.

“In interviews mostly.” Breda shrugged. “Nothing too big. A drop of a name here, a reference there, wearing a merch’ shirt once in a while.”

“Merch’ shirt?” Ed’s eyebrows rose. “Restaurants have those?”

“Mine does.” Breda’s grin grew. “It’s got things to reference menu items. Like our Cajun Alligator wings: ‘Tried to eat a gator, turns out it’s got a kick’.”

“But it’s not, like, real alligator meat, right?” Ed asked. Breda just gave him a mysterious smile. “Fuck, I need me a shirt like that.”

“Tell you what, when all this is done and over, I’ll mail you one,” Breda promised. “Least I can do for you being a good sport about it.”

“Deal!” Ed grinned, already anticipating the new acquisition to his T-shirt collection. “But I’ll have to check out your restaurant for real. It wouldn’t do to have a shirt like that and then not _actually_ try gator meat.”

“First meal is on the house,” Breda promised recklessly.

Ed looked up, eyes gleaming darkly. “You shouldn’t have said that.”

Breda paled. “… Please don’t eat us out of business.”

“No promises!” Ed sang.

“… Yeah, I probably deserve that.” Breda nodded to himself. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you this before we went to the final round. Just so you know I won’t feel bad if you choose one of the other two.”

Ed hadn’t known how much that had actually mattered to him before Breda had said those words. He found himself smiling down at where he was twisting the dough into a creepy doll. “Thanks, Breda.”

“No prob— _what the hell is that?!_ ”

“What?”

“What did you _do_ to the poor dough?!”

“I made it look cooler!”

“Give me that before you over stress the flour!”

“… I think it might be a little late for that.”

* * * * *

The next day found Ed out with Jean standing in front of an—

“Escape room?” Ed wondered aloud.

“Technically a ‘Mystery Room’,” Jean corrected.

Ed eyed him. “Is there a difference?”

“Um… I don’t think they have actors.” Jean scratched the stubble on his chin. “And the themes can be more diverse —not all warzones or apocalypse, you know?”

Ed nodded in thought. Diverse was good. They could look for a safe theme, something that wouldn’t trigger a dissociative episode for either of them. And the more Ed looked, the more flimsy these walls looked. He could probably punch his way out in an emergency.

Then again, with a metal arm, he could do that in most cases.

“Also, the rooms aren’t actually locked,” Hughes noted, perhaps spying the look in Ed’s eyes. “Fire hazard, as you can guess.”

“Aw, take the fun out of it why don’t you?” Ed groused good-naturedly. Hughes just gave him an unimpressed look. Ed returned it with a grin.

“Uh, if you guys want to pick a room…” the attendant pointed to a wall of pictures. “Those are the themes and current high score holders. Each room has two different levels of difficulty. Have either of you done a room before?”

Ed and Jean shook their heads.

“Then I recommend you start with a Level One or Two room. If you complete the first level, the props for the second are already in there for you to find.” The attendant explained “Usually the time limit is one hour, but that’s with a group of six or more. Since there’s only two of you, I can give you more time.”

“That—?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Ed said before Jean could finish. He was a certified genius. Stuff like this would be child’s play. Then he saw the way Jean wilted.

Oh, right. They were here on a date, not to break records.

“Er, on second thought, maybe more time would be good?” It was an insult to his intelligence, but the grin on Jean’s face was worth it.

They chose a room with a Houdini theme and were explained the rules about the doors, keys, locks, and passcodes as well as the little ringer to call the attendant and ask questions. Ed decided the ringer was the coward’s way out though, so he refused to even _think_ of using it. Then the attendant left and ‘locked’ them in. They could hear Hughes immediately accost the attendant with family photos as soon as the door closed.

Ed fell upon the room, immediately uncovering three separate riddles to different locks and solving two without a second’s hesitation. This would be a piece of cake.

“You know, when I thought of an escape room, I thought we would be doing it together,” Jean said, a little glum. “Not you doing it all by yourself.”

“We are doing it together,” Ed said as he handed Jean a lockbox. “Try 5739 in this and the blue one.”

Jean let out a sigh, but obeyed. The blue lockbox opened. “This is what I’m talking about. Where did that code even come from?”

“It’s the doubles in the blue deck put in the order of the clue we found in the drawer,” Ed explained as he gathered the cards up. “The other code gave us the one for the cards missing in the red stack and the red lockbox. What’s the riddle in there?”

Jean looked in the box and pulled out a weathered laminated card. “… O+GR=1, RD-BL=0, O+BL=9. What even is this?”

“Word association between colors and numbers,” Ed said, plucking the card from his hands. “Standard math equation in Master’s courses.”

“How do you even now that?!” Jean threw his hands up and collapsed backwards on the truck he’d been sitting on.

Ed paused his mental math to overlook the other disparaging blond.

Uh-oh, this was another social cue he was missing out on, wasn’t it? Ugh, where was Alphonse when he needed him?

Ed gave the clue in his hands another glance before taking a seat on the floor next to Jean. “This… isn’t about solving riddles, is it?”

“… No, it’s not.” Jean let out a tired sigh.

“Do you… want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

_Oh thank g-_

“It’s just…”

_Why do you hate me? Did I do something to you in a past life?!_

Jean made a frustrated noise and dragged both hands down his face to cover his eyes. “It’s gonna sound stupid, but I watched some videos of escape rooms before and the guy ended up coming to the girl’s rescue and I know it’s _not realistic_ , but-! Ever since I came back state-side to _stay_ … nothing felt right.”

Ed opened his mouth but thought better of it. It was a technique Alphonse used. People wanted to fill the silence, so they would inevitably spill their story.

“I went to the army because I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to protect people… I still do.” Jean’s arms relaxed, dropping to either side of his head. “But I served my time and now I need to get back to _normal_ and I don’t even know what that is anymore.”

Ed sat in silence for a minute, two, long enough that Jean could continue if he wanted. When he didn’t, Ed spoke. “You’re right. That is stupid.”

“Hey!”

“You’re looking for someone else to come in and fix you.” Ed’s nose screwed up in spite of himself. “I understand. Believe me, I do. It would be _so much easier_ if someone else could figure it out and just give you a 10-step plan to getting better, but no one can. That’s no one’s job but yours.”

He got to his knees and dropped a hand against the truck to look Jean in the eyes.

 _“You_ have to figure out who you are. _You_ have to figure out what you want to do.” He stared at the other blonde, unblinking. “If that’s being back on the frontlines, then re-enlist. If it’s taking care of a flowerbed with a dog at your side, then by a bag of dirt and visit the animal shelter. It will take time and somethings won’t work.” _Damn_ did they not work, but... “It’s okay to fail, as long as you never give up, as long as you _try_. Because then you know, that when you get to the future, it’s the one you chose and carved into being with your own two hands.”

Jean stared up at him, blue eyes wide and fragile. But there was hope in their depths. That was all Ed could ask for. “Anyone ever told you, you should be a motivational speaker?”

“Once or twice. I deal with a lot of freshmen encountering hardship for the first time in their life.” Ed shrugged and got to his feet. “Now, are you going to help me out here?”

“Yeah, this pity party is over!”

“Good. Cause the last clue gave me the key to open the trunk you’re sitting on.”

“Awesome! Anything I can do?”

“You any good with card castles? I don’t have fine motor control in my right hand.”

“You can count on me!”

Truth was, Ed had already solved the card castle riddle by making a 3D model in his head, but he figured Jean didn’t need to know it wasn’t the true ‘last riddle’ that opened the last of the chest and set a new record for the room on both difficulty levels. He knew how it felt to get a win when he really needed one.

And Jean really needed one.

* * * * *

"So what do you think this date is going to be?" Ed crawled as he lounged in the limo seats. "We're all gussied up, so it’s gotta be somewhere fancy. I hope it’s not some red carpet event. I never got celebrities."

"Humans put on a pedestal so high the other humans can do nothing but worship them." Roy mused. "What's not to get?"

"Everything? Like they're normal people too. Nobody is perfect!" Ed wrinkled his nose. "I would hate it if someone treated me like that."

"Prepare for some frustration on your part then," Roy noted with a grin. "After all, _you_ are part of the celebrity circle now."

Ed shot him a confused look. "What? No, I'm not."

"You are the star of the Bachelorette. It is, arguably, the number one wish-fulfillment of every college-to-middle-aged woman." Roy rose a brow at him. "And _you_ are the center of attention to a cast of attractive males. Every woman who watches will want to be you."

"A cast of attractive _gay_ men." Ed pointed out, as if to help his case.

Roy shrugged. "Replace the word 'women' with 'gay men' and my argument still stands."

"There can’t possibly be that many people that will watch this show." Ed scoffed. Then his head started to run percentages and statistics and doubt reared its head. "There can’t be… right?"

Roy just smiled mysteriously as the limo pulled to a halt. "Looks like we're here."

Nervous now, Ed unbuckled his seat belt and shuffled to the door. The door opened thanks to the chauffeur and Ed stepped out into the evening air. Thankfully, he wasn’t immediately assaulted by camera flashes, so they weren’t at a red carpet event. Instead, they were at…

"A dance hall?" The sight surprised a laugh out of him. "Have the producers lost their minds? A guy with a metal foot going to a dance hall? Whoever thought this was a good idea must have run out of brain cells."

"It was my idea," Roy said with a deep chuckle. 

"Like I said, whoever—wait, what?" Ed whirled on him so fast his hair came right back to whip him in the face. " _You_ decided on this place? You get to choose?"

"Since this is the last round of dates, every Bachelor was encouraged to choose their date spot this time," Roy explained as he took Ed's hand in his. "I imagine Breda and Jean were much the same."

Ed scowled. "You do realize that I wasn’t joking about a metal foot. It doesn’t lend itself to dancing in the least."

"Have you ever tried?" Roy asked, genuinely curious.

Ed's scowl melted a little, "well… _no_ , but I think—!"

"Don’t think. Just feel." Roy tugged gently on Ed hand, halting when he felt resistance. He turned a pleading look onto the blonde. "At least give it a try?"

Ed held his gaze for a long stubborn moment before he deflated with a sigh. "Does it have to be dancing?"

"Yes." Roy grinned brightly as he pulled the other after him. "Besides, this way, when they ask, you can truthfully answer 'yes'."

"Yes? Yes to what?"

Roy shot him a cheeky grin. "If I swept you off your feet?"

Ed face instantly flushed red. "You… you! Stop that!"

"I will when you stop reacting so adorably!" Roy laughed.

"That’s it! Just for that! I'm stepping on your toes!"

"Not if I keep you off yours!"

Roy made good on his promise. Despite his automail, Ed spent the night being twirled around the dance floor, a follow to Roy's lead. It was fun, more fun than he would have ever thought dancing could be. It felt a lot like Teacher's training at times, but with less likelihood of getting hit in the face. 

Less likely didn’t mean impossible, as an errant shoe had proved to him.

There were refreshments available to keep their energy up, when Ed would demolish in-between new "I love this song!"s that Roy used to drag him back to the floor.

By the end of the night, Ed was breathless. From exertion and not from anything about Roy in particular, despite his many failed attempts at pick-up lines.

Well, mostly failed. That first one might have, maybe, had more truth to it than Ed wanted to admit.

* * * * *

The last free day came before the group date, thankfully. Ed got help with the last of his grading before his students' break and the preceding finals. He would grade those once he was home and off the air. 

"I am so glad this is the last time you need help with grading," Jean admitted with a stretch after sitting hunched for hours. "I'm starting to dream in numbers."

"That's what you think." Ed shot him an evil grin. "Imagine what it'll be like if we start dating."

Jean's face paled.

Breda elbowed him. "Don’t tease him like that! You'll break him."

Ed turned his dark look onto Breda. "Who said I was kidding?"

Breda drew back his arm with a pale face.

"Relax!" Ed laughed at the two. "I wouldn’t force anyone to grade. You guys didn’t have to help me as much as you did."

"Well, it was either this or television," Roy noted with slight distaste. "And I, for one, do not enjoy destroying brain cells with the drivel they put on now a days."

"No, but you could afford to lose some," Jean grumbled 

"Drivel, like what we're filming here?" Ed joked, only to be caught in the intensely seductive look Roy sent him.

"You, my dear, are anything but drivel," Roy promised with a deep look.

"Dude!" Jean shoved at Roy, annoyance on his face.

"What did we agree about Ed's room?!" Breda demanded.

"Yeah, Roy." Ed gave him a pointed look. "Even _I_ know the rule about my room."

"Sorry, sorry." Roy held his hands up in surrender. "It’s becoming a habit."

"To throw around cheesy pickup lines?"

"To be this charming," Roy corrected, to a groan from everyone.

* * * * *

Since the dates had been chosen by the Bachelors, Ed was allowed to choose the group date. And his choice was…

"Mixed martial arts tournament!" He shouted with glee. The Bachelors looked on in confusion and dread.

"Isn't this less date and more torture?" Breda asked.

"Only if you don’t have any combat training." Jean clapped him on the back. 

"Which I do." Ed beamed. "Two Dan black belt."

Jean let out a whistle. "I've got my enlistment training. You Roy?"

"The same." Roy gave a shrug. "I'm a little rusty though."

Breda looked uncomfortable. "I did wrestling in high school…?"

"Never grappled with a wrestler." Ed mused. "This should be fun."

The bachelors turned their eyes on him.

"What?"

"You're fighting?" Jean wondered aloud.

"Typically, in things like this, the Bachelorette just sits on the sidelines," Roy explained.

Ed rolled his eyes and looked over to Breda, only to find him with the same expression. His jaw dropped in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me."

To his astonishment, the guys were right.

Hughes wanted Ed to wait on the sideline like some kind of wallflower and watch from afar. Ed put a stop to that train of thought immediately. He was no fainting daffodil. He was a man and would be treated as such!

Hughes got with the program quickly after a heavily worded debate (not a high volume rant, _Alphonse_ ). Ed acquiesce to breaks in between fights and to switch up the partners each time. After all, he didn’t want to tire himself out too quickly and an exhausted opponent was no fun. And this little tourney was definitely fun.

Breda was an interesting challenge. Ed was used to… _larger_ opponents, but Breda had a few more pounds of muscle than Ed did and was used to throwing his weight around. Of the three, he was most able to stand up to Ed’s automail swings, but that may be have been due to their method of fighting.

Wrestling had a lot of grappling and not a lot of punches or kicks. Ed, of course, responded with some of the Judo his Teacher had taught him. One Judo throw later and Ed had him pinned.

“You are a wiry one,” Breda noted as he panted on the mat after tap-out.

“Comes with experience.” Ed grinned and started through some light stretches.

“… Because you’re shor-?”

“ _Because,_ ” Ed cut him off quickly before he could finish the dreaded word. “My Teacher liked to make things hard on me and my brother. We had to get ourselves out of any situation.”

“Oh… good teacher then.”

“Yeah, she really is.” Ed smiled fondly and hopped off the mat.

Jean and Roy seemed to have similar fighting styles —likely because they learned them from similar places. Still, Ed got the distinct impression that Roy was holding back. Never-the-less, he ended up pinning Jean to the mat when it was all said and done.

“I thought you said you were out of practice?” Ed teased with a smirk.

“Looks like I was less so than I first thought.” Roy gave a light-hearted shrug.

The next round pitted Jean against Ed, leading to an intense display of speed and accuracy when it came to strikes. Jean had a stance akin to boxing, but with a loose grip that could be used to hold weapons. It was guarded, powerful, left little room for error —exactly what Ed would expect from the military. He put up more of a fight than Breda, but Ed still managed to get him on the mat before long.

Neither were a match compared to Teacher, or even Alphonse! Still, the physical exertion did put him in a good mood.

“Nice match,” Ed congratulated a panting Jean. He held out a hand to the blonde who lay face-down on the mat. Jean rolled over with a groan.

“You are a monster,” Jean complained as he took Ed’s hand and let the other help him up. “Did you have to swing a _right_ hook? That automail should be cheating.”

“All’s fair in love and war!” Ed grinned and hopped off the mat to let Breda and Roy take the spotlight. “Thought you were a trained veteran?”

“Yeah, a sniper.” Jean grimaced and accepted a bottle of water form a crewman. “All my combat was from a distance. If anyone got that close to me, my spotter wasn’t doing his job.”

“You don’t seem out of practice,” Ed noted.

“I do a few hours of practice each week.” Jean gave a shrug. “It’s a good mix of cardio and strength training.”

Roy and Breda’s fight took about the same time as Roy and Jean’s fight, but it looked decidedly one-sided.

At least Ed had tried to meet Breda at his own game. Roy looked to be dancing to his own tune and forcing Breda to play along. Every grappled Breda attempted, Roy easily side-stepped and responded with a light tap of his knuckles. It was obvious they weren’t even meant to bruise. It truly was like a cat playing with a mouse.

“Okay, that’s it!” Breda huffed as he leaned over, hands on his knees. “I give! I’m done! I’m throwing in the towel.”

“Are you sure?” Roy asked, looking like he could go for another hour if need be. “We can call a break if you want.”

“Not a chance. I know when I’m beat.” Breda headed off the mat. “Save that energy for Ed over there. I’m sure you two will enjoy running circles around each other.”

“Well?” Roy’s gaze suddenly found his. Dark eyes twinkled mischievously. “I do believe that was a challenge. Think you can keep up?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking that question?” Ed bared his teeth in a grin. “Think you can handle me, old man?”

Roy sputtered in indignation. “O-old? I’m not old! I don’t even have any gray airs!”

“There is such a thing as hair dye.” Ed pushed himself from his seat and climbed onto the mat.

“Yes… just as there is something to help people grow taller.” Roy’s face went from affronted to smug. “It’s this little thing called mil-?”

“ _You shut your face_.” Ed growled. He went through a short stretch routine and shook his limbs out, then fell into his stance. “You don’t say the Cursed Word around here.”

“Oh? Did I hit a nerve?” Roy’s grin grew as he fell into his own stance, a modified version of Jean’s. “Couldn’t have been a _big_ one.”

Ed gritted his teeth. “Hughes! Call it!”

“Uh, right! Ready… Set… Start!”

The match between Ed and Roy was nothing like the other matches. Ed went in as a raging tornado, one Roy deftly evaded long enough for Ed’s temper to cool down. Once he had regained his head, Ed realized that Roy was actually pretty good.

His guard was tight, his strikes quick. He seemed able to anticipate Ed’s moves, meaning he had fought smaller opponents before. In terms of expertise, he was a match for Ed in every sense —speed, strength, accuracy, flexibility. And yet, Ed knew.

Roy was still holding back.

“Stop treating me like some delicate flower!” Ed growled as he purposefully swung wide to lure Roy into closing the distance.

“Oh, but you’re as beautiful as any flower I’ve ever seen!” Roy cooed as he danced backwards instead and narrowly missing Ed’s follow up cross-strike. “Or perhaps a weed would be a better comparison. Much more feisty and resilient.”

“You need to work on your compliments!” Ed shouted, then followed with a squeak when Roy aimed a high kick to his chest.

“And _you_ need to work on your focus,” Roy tutted. “I almost got you there.”

“Why you little—!”

“Don’t you mean ‘why _you_ little’?”

“RrraaaAAAH!!

The fight continued in this vein for a while. The movements and difficulty was frustratingly similar to fighting Al or Teacher —and Roy continued to mock him! It drove Ed right up the wall. Finally, Roy tripped up and Ed managed to throw him to the ground.

Hands wrapped around the other’s wrists and knees straddling his hips, Ed grinned down, victorious. “No who’s lost focus—?”

It was like a switch flipped.

One moment, Ed was staring down at Roy’s shocked face, triumphant.

The next, his vision was filled with blue sky as legs around his chest threw him backwards. His smashed into the mat —not hard enough to break his skull, but he wouldn’t be surprised if he had a concussion.

Then his face was pressed into the mat, foreign knee pressed along his spine and his right arm wrenched behind him.

The whole thing happened in a second or less.

It left his ears ringing and his heart beating far too quickly to be healthy. What… had happened?

He glanced back over his shoulder to find Roy staring down at him, all traces of teasing gone. Everything was still, like the world had stopped.

“Roy?” Ed felt himself say.

With a rush, time started again.

“Roy!” Hughes shouted as he climbed up onto the mat.

At the sound of the director’s voice, Roy blinked and suddenly came back to himself. He looked around wildly, taking stock of the situation. When he realized he was incapacitating Ed, he immediately released him and took two steps back. “Oh hell, what was I-? I’m so sorry! I don’t know what got into me!”

“Dissociative episode,” Ed said, surprised and at the same time not.

Roy had stated he had been a soldier. He had the scars to prove it. He knew the signs of PTSD. He had known when Jean was up and roaming the house at night —had known it _wasn’t a problem_ before Kain left. The conclusion was obvious.

How had Ed missed this?

Or… maybe he had known. Maybe he had ignored it all along. After all, it was easier to hate someone who was perfect.

“I am so very sorry,” Roy said again, looking lit a chastised child. He held his hands out as if to touch, but he was more than a hesitant distance away. “I… I—!”

Without another word, Roy turned and left the mat. Hughes called over others from the film crew to attend to Ed before chasing after him. Ed let them do the bare minimal fussing required by contract and OSHA before he waved them off and snuck over to where Roy and Hughes had disappeared to.

He heard their yelling long before he found them in person.

"—thought I had these under control. I thought I was over this!" He heard Roy hiss in utter contempt of himself. It was a tone Ed was familiar with, though not from Roy. "Obviously, that is not the case."

"Maybe not, but it is the first instance, right?"

"First in six months."

"So you can't really hold yourself accountable—?"

"I'm the only one that _can!_ I'm the one thing stopping myself from hurting others! And if I fail… you saw what I almost did to Edward out there. I'm a danger to people around me!"

"Running won’t solve the problem."

"I'm not running. I'm making a tactical retreat."

"Roy, it’s the last event. At least make it through the ceremony—?"

"Do you really think he would _want me there_? After what I just did to him?"

"You mean showing your grit and treating me like an actual challenge?" Ed cut in, unable to handle the glass treatment anymore. At his entrance, the two broke apart, staring at him with wide eyes. "So I got some skinned knees and a bruised pride. Nothing to get worked up over."

"I almost dislocated your shoulder," Roy insisted, that self-righteous look on his face.

"Yeah, my _right_ shoulder." Ed gave his automail a tap. "The one that's _made of metal_ if you would recall. Worst you could do is maybe mess up the alignment. In my opinion, it could have been worse."

"The possibility of a worse outcome doesn’t excuse my current actions." Roy frowned.

"No, I do." Ed looked over to Hughes. "Can we have a moment?"

Hughes looked like he wanted to protest, but a quirked brow from Ed had him caving. Before he left, he placed a hand on Roy's shoulder and leaned in close. "Remember, you are under contract. You can’t bail until after the last episode has been filmed."

Roy wrinkled his nose in disgust but nodded.

Ed waited until Hughes was out of earshot before turning his attention back to Roy. “Are you okay?”

Roy gave a disparaging laugh. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“I’m not the one that found himself in the shadowy parts of Memory Lane,” Ed noted.

Roy winced. “I’m really sorry for that—!”

“Don’t be.” Ed waved him off. “It happens.”

“But it shouldn’t anymore!” Roy ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve been home for three _years_! I went to therapy. I did the group sessions! I gave up the alcohol and got into a program! It’s been _six months_ and then I just—!”

“Had a bad day,” Ed finished for him. “Tensions were high. You were in a combat situation again, one that hit a little too close to home. It happens. It happened to Jean on our date. It happens to me sometimes when I get into a car or go to hug my brother. It. Happens. Beating yourself up over it won’t change anything.”

Roy let out a sad sigh. “… It was supposed to get easier.”

“It does. Or, rather, you recover from it more easily,” Ed said. He slipped his hands into his pockets. “It’s been almost ten years for me, but the simplest things can trip me up. And that’s okay. The important thing it to get back up and keep going.”

“… You sound just like Hughes.” Roy shook his head with a mirthless laugh.

“Oh yeah, by the way…” Ed looked back to where Hughes had disappeared. “What’s the deal with you two?”

“He’s my friend from the service,” Roy answered, sounding relieved for the change of subject. “When I got out, so did he. He had a girl waiting on him when he left. They got married, started a family. He’s _so annoying_ with his pictures.”

“Is he?” Ed wrinkled his nose. “Huh, haven’t noticed.”

“I will admit, he’s been a little distracted with the way things are going on set. I’m sure if you mention it, he’ll bore you to tears.” The look on Roy’s face was one part annoyance, one part fond affection. “Then he’ll become a nagging aunt that sticks his nose _far too much_ into your personal life. He’s the one that talked me onto this show in the first place. He thought it would be good for me to get out, meet some people, ‘ _and_ _stop being a sad sack of misery all over my living room floor’_. Instead, I just screwed up everything.”

“Hey, you don’t know that!” Ed protested.

Roy raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you saying that I _haven’t_ given you the impression of a loose cannon with mental issues out there? Because I would be happy to demonstrate again.”

“Not with those words, you won’t.” Ed rolled his eyes. “Just… take a couple minutes to breathe. Get a drink of water. Yell at the sky, if you need. Then come back and smile for the camera. It’s only a few hours until the Rose Ceremony is over and your contract is up.”

“But… what I did…”

“You said it had been six months since your last flashback, right?” Ed waited until Roy nodded to shoot him a cheeky grin. “Then you’ve got another six months until your next one!”

“That’s not… that’s not how that works! You _know_ that’s not how that works!”

“I do!” Ed laughed and turned back towards the group. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be right!”

Righteous sputtering followed in the wake of his laughter as he sauntered back to the set.

Maybe Roy would get another flashback within an hour. Maybe Ed would have a panic attack in the car on the way back to the mansion. Or maybe they wouldn’t. Who knows? He did know one thing though.

Worrying wouldn’t change anything.

* * * * *

Alphonse was drying the dishes when his cell phone lit up. A familiar name scrawled itself across his screen.

He answered with a grin. “Brother! What’s up? Haven’t heard from you in a while!”

 _“I texted you and Winry last night, Al,”_ Ed said gruffly. _“Don’t try to guilt trip me now.”_

Al frowned at the tone in his brother’s voice. “You okay there? You sound tired.”

 _“That might be because of the… no, I’m not supposed to tell you that,”_ Ed grumbled and let out an exasperated sigh. Alphonse completely understood. The two brothers weren’t used to secrets between them. Al couldn’t wait for this show to be over and he brother back home… with maybe someone along for the ride.

“What can you tell me?” Al asked, cradling the phone against his shoulder. It threatened to slip into the sink water, so he dried his hands and walked towards a window.

 _“Well… I had the group date today. It had a lot of exercise,”_ Ed said slowly, like he was testing his words. _“I won two out of three, but the last one really threw me for a loop.”_

Winning, rounds, sounded like a tournament of some sort. Martial arts if Alphonse knew his brother.

 _“So I’m a little tired from that,”_ Ed mumbled. _“The car ride isn’t exactly helping matters.”_

Alphonse honed in on that. The only time Ed cared about car rides was if he were having a bad day. This morning, he had sounded normal in his texts, even eager for what the day held. So something must have happened in the meantime. Either an Incident or…

“Was it that one guy? The soldier?” Alphonse asked carefully. “Did he have another episode?”

“ _No, not him_ ,” Ed denied. “ _This was another guy._ ”

Another one? Just where did the studio _find_ these people?

_“He seemed to snap out of it faster, knew what to do afterwards. He removed himself from the situation to calm down. He seemed really distraught. Sounds like this was his first in six months.”_

“Brother…” Al started, reprimanding.

_“I know. I know it’s not my job to fix him. He’s doing a really good job on his own, Al! It’s just… He gets it, you know? They both do, but he really gets it. He doesn’t try to make up excuses or talk his way out of it. He doesn’t try to blame others or skirt the truth. It’s just… a nice change of pace.”_

‘A change of pace’, yeah, Alphonse would bet. He let out a low sigh. “I won’t tell you who to choose, Brother. I don’t know these guys like you do. I just want to make sure that, whoever you’ve got in mind, he won’t break your heart.”

 _“… Yeah,”_ Ed said, completely unhelpful. “ _Yeah, me too.”_

“I still reserve the right for first dibs on shovel talk.” Al warned him. “Whoever you pick might have gotten through a studio’s extensive research, but I will still put the fear of death into them! And then Winry can pick up the pieces.”

 _“And put them back together just so she can pull them all apart again?”_ Ed asked, knowingly.

“Obviously.” Alphonse smiled at the sound of his brother’s laughter.

The older Elric could stand to laugh more.

* * * * *

They were back at the mansion, the place of the first episode and the first Rose Ceremony. They were in the main foyer instead of out back with the pool, but Ed didn’t mind. He’d rather not revisit that particular nightmare.

The foyer was grand with its double stair cases and deep red carpet tread. The wood inlays were all a dark cherry that blended nicely with the carpet runners and made the chandelier seem more warm-glow than gaudy-beadwork. The Rose table was set up like normal, a single rose gracing its white cloth.

All-in-all, not bad for the final scene in the series. All very picturesque.

It didn’t stop Ed from feeling like he was going to pass out.

He hadn’t been nervous before any of the other ceremonies, because… well, then, he’d been _eliminating_ candidates. Now, he was going to _confess_ _on live TV_ to a guy he hoped would like to date him after the contract terms ended. Well, maybe not _live_ television, but still!

Ed knew these guys, knew they were good and fun and friendly, but he had never been good at catching social cues. He didn’t know if these feelings he had were mutual.

He hoped he wasn’t wrong.

“Start filming in three, two, one—!” Hughes made a motion with his hand, keeping himself as quiet as possible after the cameras started rolling.

Ed took a deep breath, set his shoulders and got started.

“Tonight is the final night that any of us are staying in the mansion,” he said, to the viewer’s benefit as well as his own. “Tonight, I will present the final rose to my chosen Bachelor, one of you three standing before me. The other two will return home, unmatched, but hopefully not heartbroken.”

That earned a laugh out of the Bachelors.

“We aren’t made of glass, blondie.” Breda crossed his arms with a sardonic look.

“I think that last ‘date’ proved that.” Jean elbowed Breda teasingly.

Roy just gave Ed a weak smile.

Ed returned it, then addressed the first Bachelor. “Breda Heyman.”

Breda straightened and dropped his arms to his sides.

“I had a lot of fun dates with you. I am not squeamish when it comes to food, not by a long shot. My family can attest to that. Still, you managed to open my horizons in a way no one else has before.” Ed gave him a crooked grin. “I guess that saying ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ isn’t so far from the truth, huh?”

Breda gave a belting laugh and nodded.

Ed turned his gaze to the next Bachelor. “Jean Havoc.”

Jean gave a little salute.

“Our dates were more active and pushed us in ways I hadn’t expected.” Ed thought back to their various dates and their heart-to-hearts. “You opened your heart to me and let me know that, behind that hard soldier exterior, there was a big ol’softy waiting to be found. I can tell that you have a lot of love stored up for just the right person.”

“Aw, shucks. Go embarrass me on TV, why don’t ‘ya?” Jean blushed and scratched at the back of his head.

“Roy Mustang,” Ed called as he turned his gaze onto the last Bachelor.

Roy’s gaze drew itself from Jean and landed on Ed, face drawn.

“You have practically been a thorn in my side since day one. Your pick-up lines are terrible and cheesy and really should _not_ be funny or endearing.” Ed felt himself scowling, and tried to even out his expression. It was hard. “I don’t know how we got this competitive thing going between us, but it really riles me up and I _know_ you know that. Just like I know you’re doing it on purpose now.”

“Guilty as charged,” Roy said, without his usual bluster. He looked like someone was about to tell him his dog had died.

“Which is why…” Ed hesitated and swallowed thickly, mouth suddenly dry. Maybe he could ask Hughes for a water? He really should have put one on the table behind him. No, focus! He shook his head and straightened. “Which is why I am giving you the last rose.”

Roy nodded dismally… then seemed to realize the words were not what he was expecting. “What?”

“Though terrible and cheesy, your pick-up lines make me laugh,” Ed said as he twisted slightly to grab the rose. “Finding someone to challenge me is hard enough on a good day, but someone I want to be challenged by? I would be a fool to give you up.”

Roy stared at him, not in the happy way Ed had hoped for but in a stunned silent sort of way that he wasn’t sure how to interpret. He continued to stare even as Ed closed the distance between them with careful, hesitant steps.

“So…” Ed held out the rose, hopeful. “Will you do me the honor of continuing our little ‘competition’ after tonight? And maybe into the rest of our lives?”

“I… I-!” Roy stared at him with a deer in the headlights look, eyes wide and fearful and —oh. _Oh_.

Ed had messed up. He had read the cues wrong. Well…

That sucked.

“I can’t.” Roy finally managed to get out. “There must be a mistake.”

A mistake. A _mistake_.

Ed felt his smile start to wobble as he let his arm fall back to his side. “A mistake… yeah, I guess it is.”

“No, wait! Edward!” The look on Roy’s face was agonized. It was agonizing to see. So Ed looked away. “That’s not what I meant—!”

“No, that’s fine. This is a two-way thing after all! I wouldn’t want you to make a mistake.” Ed found himself saying even as he turned away. “Anyway, as I said, tonight is the last night, so even if you said no, my decision is final. Jean? Breda? It was nice meeting you and spending time with you over the past few weeks! Now, if you’ll excuse me…?”

He gave them a very quick wave as he turned to the stair cases and ran up the steps. Shouts followed him up, but he ignored them. His heart clenched painfully in his chest. His eyes burned. His lungs refused to draw air. At the top of the stairs, he threw the rose away from him before darting into his own room.

A mistake.

This entire thing had been a mistake.

Choosing Roy, doing the ceremony. Going on all those dates, climbing out of that limo. Signing the contract, going to the audition. Not calling the studio when Winry had first sent in his application — _getting drunk that one night with her and trying on drag_.

All of it. His life was just a series of mistakes that landed him here, ripping his room apart as he tried to pack the last six weeks away like dirty laundry into his luggage. His eyes burned and his nose dripped and _there was a reason he didn’t do people_.

He forced himself to stop. To breathe. To sniffle up the snot in his nose and when that didn’t work, he used his sleeve — _but this was a suit from the wardrobe department why did he just do that?!_

There was a knock on his door.

He stiffened.

“Edward?”

He scowled at his bed and picked up the nearest pair of pants. “I’m not here.”

It was a lie. They both knew it. The door was wide open.

He reached for one of his shirts. A pale hand placed itself over his, stilling it mid-motion.

“I believe there’s been a misunderstanding,” Roy said.

Ed refused to look at him. “What’s there to misunderstand? You called me a mistake.”

“I said you’re _making_ a mistake. There’s a difference.”

“Not from my end there isn’t.” Ed sniffed stubbornly. He really hated runny noses.

“To me there is.” A pause, then a hand at his chin, guiding his eyes over. He didn’t lift his gaze, so Roy ducked down instead. “Edward, you can do better than me. I’m an officer that thought himself a bigger man than he was. I’ve killed people on the front lines, made choices to leave others behind. I tried to drown the guilt for years before my friends intervened. I’m still dealing with that guilt even now. You just don’t see that yet.”

“And what? You think I’m some kind of pinnacle of human perfection?” Ed let out a bitter laugh. “I’ve got a _metal arm and leg_ , bastard. I still break out into a cold sweat whenever I walk in on my brother _sleeping on the couch_. On top of that, I’m a three time doctorate _prodigy_ that can’t read the _simplest social cues_ in a room! And for once, I thought I had it _right_ and you just—!”

“You did,” Roy interrupted him before Ed could spiral out of control again. “You were right. I love you, Ed. Or at the very least, could grow to love you deeply. But I’m not good for you. You deserve someone better. Someone… like Jean.”

“Jean?” Ed repeated.

“You were saying yourself that you two had opened your hearts to each other.” Roy’s face was carefully blank. “You said he had a lot of love to give.”

“Yeah, but not to me.” Ed frowned at him. “Jean is in love with Kain.”

“I…” Roy paused in his argument to frown. He seemed a little confused, then shook his head. “Then Breda-?”

“Breda joined this whole thing to get free advertisement for his restaurant,” Ed admitted. At Roy’s shocked look, Ed shrugged. “I mean, it’s a good plan, so I can’t really fault him for that.”

“So I’m… what? The last option?” Roy’s brow furrowed.

“ _No_ ,” Ed said vehemently, scowling all the while. He looked to the side, taking his jaw from Roy’s gentle touch. “There’s always the option to _not_ give the rose, Roy. It’s stated in my contract that, if I didn’t like any of the Bachelors, I can choose _not_ to choose.”

“Then… why?”

“Is it _really_ that hard to understand?!” Ed turned on him suddenly, hurt and anger blazing a path through him.

Roy’s confused expression was all the answer he needed.

“Look, you may be the most _asshole-ish bastard_ _I have ever met—_!” Ed started with gusto, then petered out in embarrassment. “But you made me laugh. And I could use more laughter in my life. I don’t need a protector like Jean or a provider like Breda. I need a partner, one I can laugh with and compete with and one who’ll surprise me when it counts the most. If that isn’t you…”

Ed close his eyes and took a deep breath. “If that isn’t you, then you need to leave. Right now.”

Instead of the hand on his pulling away, like he expected, fingers slid in-between his and curled under, holding on tight.

“I want to be.” The faint scent of nectar and pollen prompted Ed to open his eyes. A rose took up his vision, held between pale fingers. “I want to be that person. I want to stand beside you in the mornings. I want to share your bed at night. I want to take you dancing even with your two left feet and I want to watch you do more incredible things than I could ever imagine.”

Ed was afraid to look up. His face had to be as red as the rose with how hot it felt.

Roy caught his eye, a tentative, hopeful smile on his face. “Give me another chance?”

Ed swallowed and answered.

* * * * *

“ _And I have regretted the mistake of saying ‘yes’ ever since.”_

_“Edward, dear, please don’t say it that way. You’ll make people misunderstand.”_

_“What’s there to misunderstand?! You are the bane of my existence!”_

_“If that were so, you wouldn’t have accepted the ring.”_

A red blushes. _“Y-yeah, well! I like your dumb face! So… there!”_

_“Ah, yes. Truly, you have a way with words.”_

_“That’s your deal, not mine.”_ Petulantly. “ _And I guess that’s not bad either.”_

_“So neither of you have any regrets from being on the show?” the interviewer asked._

_They share a look, then smile at the camera, Roy a gentle thing, Ed’s loud and proud._

_“Not at all.”_

“Ugh, we look so _sappy_ on there,” Ed complained as he shoved a fistful of popcorn into his mouth.

“I think you look adorable,” Alphonse noted from his left where he stole some popcorn instead of eating the caramel _monstrosity_ the Winry had left in her seat.

“ _I_ think it’s all photo-shopped,” Roy noted cynically. “I’m pretty sure Ed had gotten into a fight that morning and earned himself a busted lip.”

“And _I’m_ pretty sure that a _certain someone_ earned himself a black eye when he bailed me out.” Ed noted with a sly grin. “Those makeup artists really know their stuff, don’t they?”

“That they do.” Roy nodded.

On screen, their one-year update interview finished playing out. A montage of pictures started afterwards, some from Ed’s season, some from others. There were a disturbingly large number of photos staring a little green-eyed girl at various stages of her three years of age.

“Someone put Maes in charge of the montage, didn’t they?” Ed guessed.

“Some intern probably realized they just lost their job,” Roy agreed.

The music changed as the montage drew to an end, prompting Al to call, “Winry! It’s starting!”

“Coming!”

“ _This time, on the Bachelors—“_

“Still can’t believe they just added an ‘s’ and called it done. Is that cheap marketing or what?”

 _“—broke his heart. Now, he’s returned in order to find his own true love._ ”

“No way…” Ed blinked at the familiar face on the screen. “Kain? Really? I thought he and Jean were together!”

“They are,” Roy noted in bemusement. “But… now that I think about it… did they ever tell us how that happened?”

Ed stared at him, open-mouthed.

“You realize these things are filmed, like, _months_ in advance, right?” Winry pointed out as she slid into her seat on Al’s lap. Roy reached over Ed to snag a handful of her gourmet popcorn, the _heathen_. “I mean, you were _part of that_. And you didn’t Al or me _anything._ ”

“NDAs,” Roy and Ed answered by rote. They had had to use the answer a lot.

“Well, I guess this answers the question of how they found each other again.” Roy mused as he saw Jean’s introduction interview and backstory for the second time in his life. “I was curious, since the studio seemed pretty tight-lipped about personal information from the contestants.”

“Do we even need to watch it then?” Ed wondered aloud. “If we already know how it turns out?”

All four of them shared looks before deciding unanimously.

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure I'm content with this. I had wanted more Al and Winry interaction and some interviews at the end of every date, but this monster was getting *way* too long, so I had to cut some things short. I may get a chance to come back and add things in later, but it'll be a long time in the future. After several other projects are finished.
> 
> Speaking of... 
> 
> For those of you who are familiar with my other works, don't forget to vote in the [poll](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17474012/chapters/49493087). Results will be posted Feb. 29!
> 
> For those of you who are not familiar with my other works, thanks for giving this one shot a chance! :) I hope to see you again the next time I swing by this fandom!


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